Chapter 7: Moving from Reactive to Proactive

The Tyranny of the Urgent: Caleb's Story

"I don't ever think about me."

These six words, spoken softly in a moment of rare reflection, captured the essence of Caleb's leadership crisis. Fifteen years into his career and a decade into leadership, Caleb found himself trapped in what can only be described as the tyranny of the urgent—perpetually bracing for the next challenge, the next call, the next crisis demanding his immediate attention. In this moment of reflection, Caleb's journey toward proactive self-leadership began, highlighting the power of self-awareness and self-reflection in our leadership journey.

Caleb's journey began as a dishwasher at a local restaurant. A high school dropout with natural talent and a formidable work ethic, he climbed through the ranks, eventually earning the trust of the restaurant owner, who handed him the keys to manage a bar at just 21 years old. He thrived in this environment for ten years, building relationships and developing his leadership skills through hands-on experience rather than formal education.

When his first son was born, Caleb's priorities shifted. The lack of health insurance and benefits pushed him to seek more stable employment. He joined a family-owned fire prevention systems business with about 250 employees, again working his way up through dedication and performance. After being passed over once for a leadership position—the role going to someone with formal credentials—Caleb eventually secured a management position three years ago.

On paper, Caleb's career trajectory is a success story. Yet, sitting in a leadership development session, his exhaustion was palpable. The constant pressure to perform, meet expectations, and be available at all hours had gradually eroded his energy and joy. His phone never shut off. His mind never fully rested. Even in moments of physical stillness—sitting on the couch after everyone had gone to bed—his presence was merely an absence, a numbness born of complete depletion.

"I'm just numb," he confessed. "I'm just sitting there staring at the TV or my phone. And I'm blank."

Like many leaders caught in reactivity, Caleb was in a chronic fatigue crisis that threatened his career and his joy and effectiveness as a leader. What began as dedication had transformed into a debilitating reaction pattern without reflection, a response without renewal.

Caleb is not alone, I know this feeling all too well. In my early years as an entrepreneur, running from crisis to crisis. My success hung precariously variables I couldn't control. Looking back, I recognize now that I was living entirely in reaction mode—responding to emergencies rather than creating systems that would prevent them. Does this pattern sound familiar in your leadership journey? On the continuum of leadership behavior, most leaders spend most of their time and energy on the left side—the reactive side—of self-management, compared to the right side of proactivity in self-leadership. They become expert firefighters, managing crises with increasing skill but never finding the time to install prevention systems found proactive self-leadership.

The Reactive-Proactive Continuum

When examining leadership behaviors, we can place them on a continuum from reactive to proactive. At the far left of this spectrum is pure reactivity: responding to emergencies, addressing immediate needs, and focusing entirely on the present moment's demands. At the far right is pure proactivity: strategic thinking, preventative planning, and focus on long-term vision and values.

Most leaders, like Caleb, are heavily weighted toward the reactive end of this spectrum. There are several reasons for this imbalance:

1. Urgency Addiction: The adrenaline rush of solving immediate problems can become addictive. The instant gratification of checking off urgent tasks creates a neurochemical reward that can be difficult to resist.

2. Cultural Expectations: Many organizational cultures reward heroic crisis management more visibly than quiet prevention. The leader who works all night to fix a broken system receives praise, while the leader who ensures systems don't break in the first place may go unnoticed.

3. Confidence Through Competence: Leaders often build confidence by repeatedly demonstrating competence in familiar challenges. The reactive domain becomes comfortable—a place where they know they can succeed—while proactive leadership may feel uncertain and risky.

4. The Illusion of Indispensability: Many leaders, particularly those like Caleb, who have risen through the ranks through sheer determination, develop an unconscious belief that their constant availability is essential to organizational success.

Caleb exemplified each of these reactive tendencies. His phone remained perpetually on, his mind continuously problem-solving scenarios that hadn't yet emerged. His confidence came from his ability to handle crises. Yet, this very competence had trapped him in a cycle of reactivity, slowly diminishing his effectiveness and draining his energy.

The Cost of Chronic Reactivity

Chronic reactivity extracts significant costs from leaders and their organizations. For Caleb, these costs manifested in several ways:

1. Physical and Mental Exhaustion: Caleb's constant alertness left him perpetually tired. Even during supposed downtime, his mind remained "on," anticipating potential problems and planning responses.

2. Diminished Joy: Caleb could barely recall the last time he had engaged in an activity purely for enjoyment. His truck restoration project sat neglected in the garage—a symbol of the personal interests he had sacrificed to the demands of constant availability.

3. Relational Strain: While Caleb loved his family, his perpetual mental absence created distance even when physically present. His preoccupation affected the quality of his relationships.

4. Reduced Strategic Thinking: Perhaps most significant for his leadership effectiveness, Caleb's reactive orientation limited his capacity for the kind of reflective, strategic thinking that creates breakthrough opportunities and prevents emerging problems.

5. Erosion of Confidence: Paradoxically, while Caleb's reactivity stemmed partly from a desire to perform well and meet expectations, the resulting exhaustion undermined his confidence. In his words: "I stress about things that haven't been created yet... even though it hasn't happened, it probably won't happen."

These costs compound over time, creating a downward spiral where reactivity leads to exhaustion, exhaustion leads to reduced effectiveness, and reduced effectiveness triggers increased reactivity as the leader attempts to compensate.

Have you noticed similar patterns in your own leadership? When did you feel truly present and energized last time rather than simply responding to the next demand? For many leaders I coach, this downward spiral of reactivity becomes so normalized that they no longer question whether there might be another way to lead and live.

The Discovery Process: Finding the Path to Self-Leadership

Caleb's journey toward self-leadership began with a simple recognition—the acknowledgment that something needed to change. During a leadership development session focusing on personal values and priorities, he confronted the reality that he had neglected his needs to the point of numbness. This realization sparked a journey of transformation, showing that change is possible and within reach for all of us.

The path from this recognition to actual transformation involved several key discoveries:

Discovery 1: The Power of Permission

His breakthrough came when he gave himself permission to have needs. Years of conditioning—from his father's stoic "lace up, get over it" mentality to the workplace expectation of constant availability—had taught Caleb to ignore his own requirements for rest, reflection, and renewal.

"I'd feel the pressure off," he admitted when asked how it would feel to give himself permission to disconnect periodically. This simple acknowledgment—that it was legitimate for him to have needs and boundaries—opened the door to further growth.

Discovery 2: Small Changes Yield Big Results

When asked what one change would make a meaningful difference, Caleb's answer was revealing: turning off his phone from 8 p.m. to 5 a.m., three days a week. This modest boundary—creating roughly 27 hours of guaranteed disconnection each week—represented a profound shift in his relationship with work and responsibility.

The power of this small change lay not just in the hours of mental rest it would provide, but in the psychological shift, it represented. By establishing this boundary, Caleb would assert that his value as a leader came not from constant availability but from the quality of his presence and decisions when engaged.

Discovery 3: The Delegation of Trust

To implement even this modest boundary, Caleb needed to delegate tasks and trust. His concern wasn't primarily about the frequency of after-hours calls but about the possibility of missed calls—the chance that something might go wrong in his absence.

This revelation pointed to a deeper issue: Caleb's difficulty trusting others to handle situations in his absence. True self-leadership, he realized, would require developing systems and people who could function effectively without his constant oversight—a shift that would ultimately benefit both him and the organization.

Discovery 4: The Connection Between Self-Care and Leadership Impact

Perhaps Caleb's most profound discovery was understanding that self-care isn't selfish but strategic. His wife's weekly volleyball game offered a powerful example: "The household seems happier when she does it," he observed, recognizing that her investment in personal renewal yielded benefits for the entire family.

This insight translated directly to his leadership context. By investing in his own renewal, Caleb could bring more energy, creativity, and presence to his interactions with his team. Far from being selfish, properly directed self-care was his responsibility to those who depended on his leadership.

I learned this lesson the hard way in my entrepreneurial journey. For years, I operated under the misguided belief that working longer hours and taking on more responsibility demonstrated my commitment to success. I rarely took vacations, worked through weekends, and prided myself on being available to clients at all hours. Eventually, this approach led to a severe case of burnout that affected my health and the quality of my business decisions. What aspects of self-care have you been neglecting under the guise of dedication to your work? What signals might your body and mind be sending that deserve your attention?

Discovery 5: Confidence Through Clarity

A pattern emerged as Caleb reflected on moments of high confidence in his leadership journey. His confidence had risen not primarily through mastering crises but through gaining clarity about expectations, his capabilities, and the path forward.

This insight revealed the connection between proactive leadership and confidence. By creating space for reflection and clarity, Caleb could lead from a place of considered intention rather than reactive impulse, building genuine confidence through clarity rather than mere crisis competence.

The Practice of Proactive Self-Leadership

Moving from reactive self-management to proactive self-leadership requires deliberate practice. For Caleb, this practice began with three specific commitments:

1. Scheduled Disconnection: Turning off his phone during specific periods each week, with a clear delegation of responsibility during those times.

2. Dedicated Reflection Time: Blocking 30 minutes three times weekly during work hours for strategic thinking and planning rather than reactive problem-solving.

3. Renewal Activity: Committing four hours weekly to his truck restoration project—an activity that brought him genuine joy and engaged his mind in a different mode.

These three practices represented the initial steps on a longer journey toward proactive self-leadership. The key to their effectiveness lay not in their scope but in their intentionality—they were chosen to address Caleb's particular needs and circumstances.

During my transition from reactive to proactive leadership, I discovered the power of "whitespace"—protected time on my calendar with no agenda beyond thinking, reflecting, and learning. This practice directly contradicted my former entrepreneurial identity of constant action and visible productivity. Yet I found that these periods of apparent inactivity yielded my most creative ideas and strategic insights. What might constitute a meaningful "whitespace" in your leadership rhythm? What small practice might create disproportionate benefits for your leadership effectiveness?

From Individual Practice to Leadership Culture

As Caleb implemented these initial practices, he noticed subtle shifts in his energy and effectiveness and his team's behavior. His increased clarity and presence enhanced the quality of his interactions. His willingness to disconnect periodically encouraged similar boundary-setting among team members. His delegation of trust during off-hours created growth opportunities for emerging leaders.

Without explicitly intending it, Caleb had begun to shift his team's culture from reactive firefighting to more proactive planning and development. This illustrates an important principle of reflective leadership: personal transformation creates ripples of organizational transformation.

Actual organizational change rarely begins with sweeping initiatives or restructuring. More often, it starts with individual leaders who model a different way of being and working and demonstrate through their own practice the benefits of moving from a reactive to a proactive orientation.

One of the most transformative moments in my journey came when my coach challenged me with a simple yet profound exercise: for every "Yes" I uttered, I had to articulate ten "Nos." This discipline forced me to confront my tendencies as a "BlueSky thinker" who is always chasing the next opportunity. By learning to say "No" to good things to make room for great things, I gradually shifted from reactive to proactive leadership. How might your leadership change if you become more intentional about what you say "No" to?

The Continuum of Leadership Development

Caleb's story illustrates a crucial understanding of leadership development: it functions as a continuum rather than a binary state. The goal is not to eliminate reactivity—indeed, skilled reaction to genuine emergencies remains an essential leadership capacity. Instead, the aim is to shift the balance progressively toward proactivity.

A pivotal moment in my leadership journey came when I pursued a master's degree in leadership. When I approached Dr. Steve Young, the dean of the school, I expected a polished recruitment speech. Instead, he surprised me with a profound observation: "Russell, you're already a leader." If I had already led successfully, why invest in formal education? Dr. Young provided clarity that would transform my perspective: "Russell, if you want to grow in cognitive competence in how you're gifted so you can be more effective in your leadership, then we can help you."

This insight revealed that leadership development isn't just about performing leadership acts but also about developing mental models that allow us to interpret complex situations and make better decisions. It's about moving from reactive leadership—constantly putting out fires—to proactive leadership that prevents fires from starting in the first place.

For most leaders, this shift happens gradually, with momentary regressions during periods of high pressure or uncertainty. The key is maintaining awareness of the reactive-proactive continuum and consistently recommitting to practices that foster proactive orientation. Where do you find yourself on this continuum today? What reactivity patterns have become so normal that you no longer recognize them as choices rather than necessities?

Leadership development in this context becomes less about acquiring new skills and more about cultivating a new relationship with time, energy, and attention. It involves learning to distinguish between the genuinely urgent and the merely immediate, between a reaction that addresses true emergencies and a reaction that perpetuates a cycle of exhaustion.

The journey from reactive self-management to proactive self-leadership is not accomplished in a single bound. It unfolds through countless small choices, each reinforcing a different relationship with leadership responsibility. Like Caleb, you may find that the path begins not with grand transformation but with simple permission—permission to lead from your competence and your wholeness.

For me, this journey continues to unfold. Even after 25 years in leadership, I still catch myself slipping into reactive patterns during periods of high stress or uncertainty. The difference now is that I recognize these patterns more quickly and have developed practices that help me return to proactive self-leadership. Through Caleb's story and the practices shared in this chapter, you, too, will find your path from the tyranny of the urgent to the freedom of intentional, proactive leadership.

Reflective Questions

As you consider your leadership journey along the reactive-proactive continuum, take time to reflect on these questions:

1. Where do you find yourself on the reactive-proactive continuum of leadership? What indicators (behaviors, feelings, outcomes) tell you where you currently stand?

2. What "small change" might yield disproportionate results in shifting your leadership toward greater proactivity? What barriers—internal or external—prevent you from implementing this change?

3. How might your current reactivity pattern influence your team's culture and behaviors? What would change for them if you shifted toward more proactive self-leadership?

Chapter 6: The Winding Road: My Journey Through Miracles, Models, and Mastery

I find immense joy in vast, expansive vistas—the sweeping views from Hawaii's beaches, the Irish coastline of Giant's Causeway, Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe, the Italian dolomites, or the breathtaking scenery of Colorado's mountainside, which I call home. The promise of new possibilities and inspiration from fresh opportunities drive me forward. Every path I encounter unveils new adventures waiting to be explored. Like a child, I'm endlessly curious about what lies beyond the next corner, eager to discover the boundless wonders that await. As I write this book, I'm preparing to summit my final peaks this summer in the Colorado Rockies to finish all 58 14ers. It's been a journey of 20 years traversing the same mountain again and again, like Peak Pike, Mt Elbert, or Quandary Peak. For every ascent of elevation gain, there's the same descent reflecting a pattern of mountain climbing as well in life winding through peaks and valleys.

As a fellow explorer, entrepreneur, or leader, you can relate. Every effective leader has a vision, whether inspired by a dream, goal, or desire. Vision inspires and gives others something to aspire towards. Vision, seeing beyond the day-to-day demand, is essential for leading well. Setting direction gets everyone moving in the right direction. Yet, so often, in our pursuit of a vision, our scope exceeds our capacity, leaving us and others vulnerable. Stretch goals leave us perpetually stretched, rarely satisfied, and at the edge of exhaustion and burnout. That was my story as an emerging leader and entrepreneur, and it came with a cost. In hindsight, I needed more than a vision for my business; I needed a vision for growth and development to have the capacity to rise to the level of my vision. Today, I see leaders on the edge of their leadership. It's about leading ourselves before we can lead others.

Miracles: Embracing the Unpredictable

Straddling between faith and wisdom, I reflect on my 25-year entrepreneurial journey and see that there has yet to be a straight path. There have been so many twists and turns, ups and downs, and lessons learned the hard way. But I wouldn't have it any other way because those struggles and failures shaped me into the leader and person I am today.

In those early years, my business was truly a miracle-based operation. As that tough-loving CPA mentor of mine so bluntly put it - "Russell, you're in the miracle business." Sobered by his comment and counsel, in time, I realized he was absolutely right. As a smaller business owner, my success hung in the balance of my supply chain. I depended entirely on finding that perfect product at the ideal price and timing for each project. Talk about operating under extreme uncertainty and ambiguity!

Things often fell apart when the inventory didn't materialize, and I lost my shirt on deals because of the logistical costs of shipping and storage. I can't even count how many miracles I had to manifest through sheer grit and faith to keep that business afloat. But you know what? Those trying times taught me resilience, gratitude, and humility. They forced me to embrace the unpredictable nature of entrepreneurship. And critically, they opened my eyes to the beauty of uncertainty - those unexpected open doors that can completely change your trajectory when you least expect it.

Growing in a Cognitive Competency

A pivotal moment in my leadership journey came when I pursued a master's degree in leadership. When I approached Dr. Steve Young, the school dean, I expected a well-polished recruitment speech about the program's benefits. Instead, he surprised me with a profound observation: "Russell, you're already a leader."

His words stopped me in my tracks. If I was already a leader—successfully running a business, managing employees, serving customers, and supporting non-profit projects—why invest time and resources in formal education? What could academia offer that experience hadn't already taught me?

I was caught in a developmental gap, struggling with my insecurities as a poor student from high school and college, perhaps hoping to redeem my own "failings" in school. Yet, I was starving for development and growth, leading well beyond my capacity. Still, I was doing OK, so why did I need to go to school with my already packed schedule?

Dr. Young sensed my cognitive dissonance and offered clarity that would change my perspective forever: "Russell, if you want to grow in a cognitive competence in how you're gifted so you can be more effective in your leadership, then we can help you."

This simple framing transformed my understanding of leadership development. I realized that leadership isn't just about doing leadership acts but developing a cognitive framework—a mental model that allows us to interpret complex situations, make better decisions, and ultimately lead with greater wisdom and effectiveness. Growing cognitive competency means developing the mental frameworks that will enable us to see patterns, anticipate challenges, and design solutions that others might miss. It's about moving from reactive leadership—constantly putting out fires—to proactive leadership that prevents fires from starting in the first place. This cognitive development became a pathway toward self-leadership. Before I could effectively lead others, I needed to master leading myself through developing disciplined thought patterns, challenging my assumptions, and expanding my understanding of leadership principles.

Models: Creating Roadmaps for Growth

Eventually, I realized that in running a miracle-based business, more wisdom and prudence were needed to hedge against risks beyond my control. As another wise mentor advised, I needed to develop a sustainable model I could count on. That transition required even more faith, as I had to tear down my old way of operating and rebuild it into something scalable and strategic. However, the lessons were invaluable - the importance of discipline, focusing on priorities, refining my value proposition, diligent planning, and investing relational equity with my clients. Shifting to a coaching/consulting model providing expertise rather than products was one of my career's most significant paradigm shifts.

Role Models and Working Models

Throughout my journey, I've come to appreciate the profound impact of models—both human role models and conceptual working models—on charting a course for personal and professional development.

Role models are examples of the principles and practices we aspire to embody. These mentors, coaches, and exemplars demonstrate excellence in action. Dr. Steve Young became such a model for me, showing unwavering commitment to developing leaders even in his most challenging moments. Through his example, I learned that authentic leadership transcends personal circumstances and focuses on empowering others.

Equally important are the working models—conceptual frameworks and systems—that provide structure to our growth journey. These models help us make sense of complex realities and offer pathways for development that might otherwise remain hidden. Whether the frameworks I learned during my master's studies or the coaching methodologies I've adopted in my practice, these models provide a language and structure for continuous improvement.

Together, role models and working models create a developmental roadmap that charts our growth from novice to expert, from reactive to proactive, and from chaos to order. They help us see where we are and where we can go next. They provide both inspiration (through the example of others) and instruction (through proven frameworks for development).

As leaders, we must actively seek out both types of models. We need mentors who embody the qualities we aspire to develop and frameworks that help us understand and navigate the complexities of leadership. The combination of these models creates a powerful catalyst for transformation and growth.

A Model for Self-Leadership - Defining Your Purpose to Inform Your Priorities

More than a decade ago, I embarked on a journey into professional coaching, fueled by a BlueSky mindset that saw endless possibilities in every opportunity. After transitioning my small business and starting my new venture, I dove headfirst into the world of coaching, eager to make a difference and explore its vast potential.

However, amidst the excitement of new beginnings, I soon became overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of choices. From workshops and seminars to consulting gigs and personal projects, the allure of new opportunities beckoned at every turn, threatening to divert my focus and dilute my efforts.

I learned that clarity of purpose serves as the ultimate filter for decision-making. When your purpose is clearly defined, priorities naturally fall into place. Like Dave, who I mentioned in our coaching session, many of us struggle with feeling overwhelmed, reactive, and constantly on the brink of burnout. But when we reconnect with our core purpose, we gain the clarity to distinguish between what's merely urgent and truly important.

Purpose-driven leadership begins with five essential principles:

1. Living Daily with Purpose: Aligning your actions with your overarching goals and values ensures that your decisions are driven by your long-term vision rather than short-term pressures.

2. Declaring Your Values: Clarity of values is a compass to navigate life's complexities with integrity and authenticity.

3. Being Proactive About Priorities: Proactively identifying and prioritizing your most important tasks and commitments prevents being swept away by the moment's demands.

4. Building Life-Long Relationships: Investing in meaningful relationships that nourish personal and professional growth creates a network of trust and collaboration that sustains you through challenges and triumphs.

5. Not Settling for Secondary Things: True fulfillment comes from pursuing excellence rather than settling for mediocrity.

Time to Focus - The Power of "No"

Working as a coach who needed a coach. My coach got right to the root issue that perpetually had me running a mile wide and an inch thick. After a defining conversation, my coach presented me with a simple yet profound challenge: for every "Yes" I uttered, I must also articulate ten "Nos." At first, the task seemed daunting. How about I turn down nine promising opportunities for the sake of one? But as I delved deeper into the practice, I began to understand its inherent value.

The discipline of crafting a list of "Nos" forced me to confront my tendencies as a BlueSky thinker. It required me to pause, reflect, and evaluate each opportunity against my goals and values. Was this endeavor genuinely aligned with my vision? Did it have the potential to move me closer to my objectives? Or was it merely a distraction, enticing me with the allure of novelty?

As I embraced the power of "No," I discovered its transformative effect on my life and work. No longer bound by the tyranny of choice, I found clarity and focus amidst the chaos of endless possibilities. By prioritizing my best opportunities and learning to let go of the rest, I focused my energy on endeavors that genuinely mattered, yielding greater fulfillment and impact.

Yet, mastering the art of saying "No" is ongoing. Even after a decade of practice, I continue to grapple with the temptation to chase after every shiny new opportunity. But with each passing day, I grow more adept at discerning between what is merely exemplary and what is truly great. I have realized that putting first things first requires discipline and the willingness to let go of even good things in pursuit of what is better and best.

Mastery: The Pursuit of Excellence

Even after establishing a solid model, I realized there was another summit to climb - the pursuit of true mastery. As my dear friend acknowledged, I had entered a "season of mastery" in my work. 25+ years in my career and turning the corner 50, his words stuck with me as I grappled with taking my coaching and leadership development craft to the highest level of artistry and excellence. Another mentor's quoting proverbs crystalized it for me: "The gift will make the way for the giver and usher them into the presence of the great." I had to ceaselessly work on honing my unique gift to achieve mastery.

The Journey to 10,000 Hours and Beyond

My journey toward mastery intensified post-Covid during my PhD studies, focusing on Industrial Organizational Psychology from 2021-2024. As a parallel course pursuing the International Coaching Federation's Master Certified Coach (MCC) credential. The MCC designation represents the pinnacle of coaching expertise, requiring at least 2,500 documented coaching hours with clients. This parallels the journey of any master craftsperson deeply invested in their tradecraft.

Malcolm Gladwell popularized the concept that it takes roughly 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to achieve mastery in any field in his influential book "The Tipping Point." Twenty-five years later, in "The Revenge of the Tipping Point," Gladwell refines this concept, acknowledging that while quantity matters, the quality and intentionality of practice are equally important.

Pursuing mastery in coaching and leadership development has taught me that actual expertise goes beyond mere accumulation of hours. It requires deliberate practice, continuous feedback, and the humility to recognize that mastery is not a destination but an ongoing journey.

As Daniel Pink articulates in his book "Drive," mastery is one of three essential elements of intrinsic motivation, alongside purpose and autonomy. Pursuing mastery—the desire to improve at something that matters—drives us to push beyond competence toward excellence. It's not about external rewards but the deep satisfaction that comes from continuous improvement and the joy of the craft.

That journey towards world-class mastery has been humbling and challenging. There's a never-ending loop of continuous learning required. Anytime I think I've reached the mountain peak, I realize there's an even higher summit. True masters, as I've learned, never lose the humility to keep striving and growing. But it's also been the most rewarding path, finally finding that deep sense of joy and fulfillment that comes from operating at the highest craftsman level of your work.

The Legacy of a Master Developer

I cannot reflect on mastery without honoring Dr. Steve Young's profound impact on my development as a leader. While I was completing my seminary education, Steve was fighting a battle with cancer. Despite his illness and the physical toll of treatment, he chose to proctor my final coursework from his hospital bed.

This extraordinary dedication exemplified Steve's commitment to developing leaders, which persisted until the very end of his life. Even facing his mortality, he remained focused on helping others grow. He modeled mastery: not a self-centered pursuit of excellence but a generous investment in others' potential.

Steve believed in me and my leadership model when I was still finding my way. He gave me a vision for my development that extended far beyond what I could see for myself. His legacy lives on in the leaders he developed, including me, and in the leaders, we, in turn, develop.

The Continuous Cycle

So here I am today, still bouncing between those seasons of miracles, models, and mastery at different points. It's an agile, meandering journey without any final destination. I've had to embrace the uncertainties and failures, analyze where I went off-track, realign myself through strategic shifts, and always keep climbing towards the next level of excellence.

I share these vulnerable reflections to illustrate that there is no linear path to success. We're constantly moving between those seasons, learning and growing. Leadership development is not a straight line but a spiral that revisits familiar territories at deeper levels of understanding and competence.

The journey from reactive to proactive leadership, chaos to order, and competence to mastery requires patience, persistence, and a willingness to embrace the miracles and models that shape our growth. It demands that we say "no" to distractions so we can say "yes" to what matters most. It calls us to define our purpose clearly so our priorities naturally align. And it invites us to pursue mastery not for our glory, but for the impact, we can have on others.

As you reflect on your leadership journey, consider:

1. Where in your leadership journey are you experiencing miracles, developing models, or pursuing mastery? How might embracing each of these phases enhance your effectiveness as a leader?

2. What cognitive competencies must you develop to move from reactive to proactive leadership? Who might serve as a role model and a guide in this process?

3. What is the vision for your development as a leader? What would it look like for you to achieve mastery in your unique gifts and calling?

The winding road of leadership development invites us all to embrace the journey with courage, humility, and a commitment to continuous growth. May your path be filled with miracles that inspire faith, models that provide direction, and a pursuit of mastery that leaves a lasting legacy.

The Work-Flow Audit: A Powerful Tool for Moving from Reactive to Proactive Leadership

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Leaders across industries share a common challenge: the constant pull of reactivity. Days filled with urgent requests, back-to-back meetings, and perpetual firefighting leave little room for strategic thinking and proactive leadership. The consequences are significant—from chronic fatigue and diminished creativity to strategic opportunities missed and teams that mirror their leader's reactive stance.

The Work-Flow Audit offers a structured approach to breaking this cycle. Unlike typical time management tools that focus merely on efficiency, this audit examines both how you spend your time and the quality of that engagement.

What Is the Work-Flow Audit?

The Work-Flow Audit is a comprehensive self-assessment that maps your activities along two critical dimensions: the reactive-proactive continuum and your energy investment. It provides visibility into patterns that may be invisible in day-to-day operations but significantly impact your leadership effectiveness over time.

Implementing the Audit

The process involves six straightforward steps:

1. Activity Inventory: Document every activity that occupies your time, both professionally and personally, over a typical week.

2. Categorization: Group related activities into logical categories to identify patterns across your responsibilities.

3. Reactivity Assessment: Place each activity on a 1-10 scale, with 1 being highly reactive and 10 being strategically proactive.

4. Energy Evaluation: Color-code activities as green (energizing), yellow (neutral), or red (draining) based on how they affect your mental and physical resources.

5. Pattern Analysis: Examine the distribution of your activities across the reactivity spectrum and energy categories.

6. Strategic Shifts: Identify specific changes to increase proactive, energizing work and reduce reactive, draining activities.

Real-World Impact

Organizations implementing the Work-Flow Audit report significant benefits. A manufacturing executive discovered that 65% of his activities fell into the reactive/red zone, explaining his perpetual exhaustion. By delegating tactical responsibilities and creating systems for recurring issues, he shifted to spending 70% of his time in proactive/green activities within four months. The result was not just personal renewal but measurable improvements in team performance and strategic outcomes.

Similarly, a healthcare leader used the audit to recognize that her calendar was dominated by reactive meetings initiated by others. By establishing protected time blocks for strategic work and implementing new meeting protocols, she regained control of her workflow and increased her proactive leadership capacity.

Beyond Time Management

The Work-Flow Audit goes beyond conventional time management by addressing not just how you allocate hours but how you invest your leadership energy. It recognizes that true productivity isn't measured by activity volume but by value creation aligned with strategic priorities.

By making the invisible patterns of reactivity visible, the Work-Flow Audit empowers leaders to make intentional shifts from reactive self-management to proactive self-leadership—creating capacity for the strategic work that only they can do while building systems that reduce the need for constant firefighting.

The most valuable leadership resource isn't time but focused attention and strategic energy. The Work-Flow Audit helps ensure these precious resources are invested where they create the greatest impact.

Chapter 9 Impostors - Fake It Till You Make It

Self-Leadership

The crisp mountain air of Colorado filled the conference room as forty leaders gathered for training on feedback and making the most of 360-degree assessments. Standing before them, I paused in my presentation and smiled.

"Can I see a show of hands? How many perfectionists are in the room today?"

As expected, about a third of the participants raised their hands, some with knowing smiles, others with a hint of reluctance.

"Let us talk about some positive aspects of perfectionism," I continued. "High standards, excellence, quality work. It is a noble aim, isn't it?"

Heads nodded in agreement.

"Now, what about the downsides?" I asked.

The responses came quickly: "Constant pressure." "Never feeling good enough." "Becoming a micromanager." "Workaholic tendencies." "Never being able to celebrate even small wins fully."

These conversations inevitably spur awareness of self-awareness's benefits that drive self-leadership practice. However, for all our strengths, a dark side often can sabotage our success based on our limited beliefs.

In coaching conversations, especially with emerging leaders or executives aspiring to new roles beyond their current scope, feelings of insecurity, doubt, and lack of confidence frequently surface. Over the years of coaching women working primarily in male-dominated industries, I have heard countless stories that reveal a common thread. These narratives often coincide with a moment when I hear the phrase: "I struggle with impostor syndrome." It is important to remember that you are not alone in this struggle.

Understanding Impostor Syndrome

In 1978, psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes first identified what they called the "impostor phenomenon." Their research focused on high-achieving women who, despite external evidence of their competence, maintained an internal belief that they were not as capable as others perceived them to be. These women attributed their success to temporary factors like luck, timing, or having fooled others into thinking they were more intelligent than they believed.

The impostor phenomenon, now commonly known as impostor syndrome, is characterized by:

• Persistent self-doubt despite evidence of success

• Attributing achievements to external factors rather than ability

• Fear of being "found out" or exposed as a fraud

• Difficulty internalizing accomplishments

• Setting excessively high standards and experiencing disappointment when falling short

• Overworking to prevent the discovery of perceived inadequacies

Research has since expanded beyond Clance and Imes' initial focus on women, finding that impostor syndrome affects people across genders, cultures, and professions. However, it remains particularly prevalent among women in leadership positions, especially in fields where they are underrepresented.

Mary's Story: Impostor Syndrome in the Trenches

During a leadership development workshop, I met Mary, a senior project manager in construction with over two decades of experience. When our conversation turned to confidence barriers, I asked her, "Mary, what does impostor syndrome mean to you?"

Her response revealed a profound understanding shaped by years of personal struggle:

"Impostor syndrome is when my self-worth feels tied to others' approval. It is when I question if I belong at the table despite my experience. It shows me as someone I think others want me to be rather than who I am."

Professional and personal challenges did not just shape Mary's journey in leadership. For 24 years, she has maintained sobriety after battling alcoholism. This recovery journey has given her unique insights into authentic self-leadership.

"My self-esteem, fear, pride, ego, emotional security, financial security – all wrapped up in how others perceived me," Mary explained. "I was so focused on external validation that I lost sight of who I was meant to be."

The Practice of Self-Inventory

What makes Mary's approach to impostor syndrome particularly powerful is the disciplined practice she developed over her 12 years of working with her "big book" – a structured method of self-inventory that serves as the foundation of her self-leadership. This practice empowers her to take control of her impostor syndrome, and it can do the same for you.

"Nine times out of ten, I must remind myself that my self-worth comes from God. It does not come from anybody else," Mary shared. "And I have to remind myself of that daily."

Her inventory process involves asking herself a series of penetrating questions:

1. Where was I selfish? "Selfish is not a bad connotation. It is what I needed or wanted in that situation."

2. Where was I dishonest? "What is the lie I tell myself about that situation?"

3. Where does my self-reliance fail? "What behaviors emerge when I feel threatened? Do I pull back? Do I become a wallflower? Am I more aggressive?"

4. What are my fears? "The fear is rejection. The fear is not being good enough. The fear is getting laid off. The fear is someone else getting a promotion."

5. What is the origin of these fears? "When was the first time I had this fear?"

This disciplined self-examination has become Mary's cornerstone practice for managing impostor syndrome. It allows her to recognize when she is slipping into inauthentic behavior patterns and course-correct before they derail her leadership effectiveness.

The Health Crisis That Changed Everything

Three years before our conversation, Mary faced a severe health crisis that brought her impostor syndrome into sharp relief. What began as mysterious symptoms was initially misdiagnosed as Lyme disease. Eventually, through holistic treatment, doctors identified 14 different strains of infection.

"I woke up, and I could not move my arms. It felt like my bones were being split in two," Mary recalled. She could not work out for the first time since she was 12. She was placed on disability.

This physical vulnerability exposed a painful truth about her work environment. Her project executive was unsupportive during her absence. Despite her condition, she found herself trying to complete applications for payment because "he would not do them." After 12 weeks, against medical advice, she returned to work.

"I had no support from my company," she said. "I approached executives but found no support. Even my general superintendent, who I had been with for 12 years, was not there for me."

The experience revealed how her impostor syndrome had led her to accept an unhealthy work culture where her value was measured solely by productivity rather than humanity.

Supportive vs. Skeptical Leaders: Impact on Impostor Syndrome

Mary's story highlights a critical insight for those struggling with impostor syndrome: the leadership context matters tremendously. Her experiences working under different types of leaders revealed two distinct environments with dramatically different impacts on her self-perception. This underscores the importance of supportive leadership in creating a healthy work environment that fosters confidence and self-worth.

Under Skeptical Leadership:

• The constant pressure to prove herself worthy

• Unclear standards of success ("You are always trying to get to this bar, but you do not even know what that bar is")

• Exhausting need to project a false, hyper-competent self

• Reinforcement of impostor feelings

• Deteriorating physical and mental health

Under Supportive Leadership:

• Freedom to be authentic

• Clear expectations and feedback

• Recognition of unique contributions

• Diminished impostor feelings

• Improved overall wellbeing

As Mary put it, "The difference between having a supportive advocate, manager, or leader and somebody not supportive is night and day. With a skeptical leader, you have to be somebody, and maybe you should not try to ensure you win their approval or performance review."

One transformative project executive told her something she never forgot: "Behind every person you meet, there is an aspect of fear. Every human being has fear, which makes them act in a certain way. Do not take it personally because your self-worth does not come from that."

This perspective helped Mary recognize that sometimes what she perceived as a judgment of her capabilities was others' fear manifesting as control or criticism.

Finding Purpose Beyond Approval

The turning point in Mary's battle with impostor syndrome came when she stopped striving to please everyone and instead reconnected with her deeper purpose.

"I am not," she declared, "I will never be the woman I was. I am the woman that God intends me to be."

This shift in identity allowed her to redefine success on her terms. Rather than seeing herself primarily as a builder of structures, she embraced her role as a builder of people.

I want to become a developer of people and talent. It drives me. It is not building buildings; it is being with my team, building my team, helping people see this, and so forth."

This clarity of purpose gave Mary something impostor syndrome had long denied her: authentic confidence rooted in values rather than validation.

From "Pitbull" to Purpose-Driven Leader

On her job site, Mary earned the nickname "Pitbull" – a moniker that reflected her tenacity and fierce protection of her team. While she occasionally embraced this identity ("Sometimes I need to be a Pitbull to get stuff done"), she recognized it as a partial truth.

"Do not mess with my team," she said emphatically. "I'm very protective."

Nevertheless, this protective instinct has evolved from a defensive posture into an empowering one. Rather than simply shielding her team from external threats, she now focuses on developing their capabilities and confidence, helping them avoid the same impostor syndrome traps she encountered.

Building Authentic Confidence: Mary's Path Forward

Mary's journey offers valuable lessons for anyone struggling with impostor syndrome. Her path to authentic confidence included several key practices:

1. Regular self-inventory. Mary's disciplined practice of examining her motives, fears, and behaviors provides a structure for self-awareness that interrupts impostor thinking.

2. Connecting to a deeper purpose. Mary found stability amid workplace uncertainty by grounding her identity in something beyond professional achievement.

3. Recognizing unhealthy environments. Mary learned to distinguish between her impostor thoughts and genuinely toxic work cultures that reinforced them.

4. Seeking supportive mentorship. The contrast between different leadership styles helped Mary identify and eventually seek out environments where authentic growth was possible.

5. Practicing radical transparency. "I am not anything if I am not transparent," Mary insisted, highlighting how honesty about struggles strengthens rather than diminishes leadership credibility.

6. Serving others. Mary's focus shifted from proving herself to developing others, creating a virtuous cycle where helping team members overcome their impostor feelings reinforced her authentic leadership.

7. Embracing vulnerability as strength. Through her health crisis, Mary discovered that acknowledging limitations paradoxically expanded her capacity for genuine connection and influence.

Recent Research: Bridging the 45-Year Gap

In the decades since Clance and Imes' groundbreaking work, research on impostor syndrome has expanded significantly. Recent studies offer deeper insights into the cognitive mechanisms at play and effective interventions.

Persistent self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy characterize the impostor phenomenon despite external success (Pákozdy et al., 2023). Individuals experiencing the impostor phenomenon are prone to cognitive distortions, such as perfectionism, overgeneralization, and catastrophic thinking. Interestingly, the individual often reframes these maladaptive thought patterns to serve as motivation to overcome a challenge or prove someone wrong. However, an over-reliance on this strategy might encourage the individual to believe the thoughts and view themselves negatively.

The Cognitive Mechanisms at Play

Symptoms that manifest within an individual experiencing impostor phenomenon are similar to the maladaptive thoughts and behavior patterns of depression and anxiety. In a recent study by Gadsby and Hohwy (2023), participants were tasked with completing a problem-solving assessment online; those exhibiting high levels of impostor phenomenon were found to underestimate their performance and overestimate other participants' scores on the task. This tendency for comparative thinking renders the individual incapable of accurate self-perception.

The study found that low confidence in their ability to complete tasks affected participants' motivation to exert effort, causing the participants either to reduce their effort for a task seen as futile – common in individuals experiencing depression – or increase their effort to overcome any perceived shortcomings (Gadsby & Hohwy, 2023), as is familiar with anxiety.

These findings align with Mary's experience of both pushing herself beyond healthy limits to prove her worth and, during her health crisis, struggling with feelings that her efforts might be futile without support from leadership.

Beyond Impostor Syndrome

Mary's story reveals that impostor syndrome, while common, need not be permanent. The journey beyond it is not about eliminating self-doubt entirely but rather about building a more resilient self-relationship that can withstand internal and external challenges.

"I continue to work with women to help them see the better version of who God intended them to be," Mary shared, demonstrating how her struggle has become a platform for helping others.

For those in leadership positions, Mary's experience offers two crucial reminders. First, when properly channeled, our battle with impostor feelings can become a source of empathy and effectiveness. Second, as leaders, we create environments that either intensify or alleviate the impostor syndrome experienced by those we lead.

Perhaps most importantly, Mary's journey shows that the path beyond impostor syndrome isn't just about professional advancement—it's about wholeness—about integrating all aspects of our experience, even the painful ones, into a powerful and authentic leadership presence.

Mary's courage, fortitude, resilience, and vulnerability today shine as beacons for others struggling with impostor syndrome. Her passion for helping others in leadership—both men and women—find their authenticity has transformed her painful experiences into a gift for those she mentors. While it is often simple to define our growth in self-leadership conceptually, the complexities of our internal threats and expectations reveal a daunting reality that requires continual practice.

Leading self must come foremost before leading others well. We need more role models and mentors like Mary to help us grow in this essential aspect of leadership. As Mary put it in our final exchange, when asked if she liked her "Pitbull" nickname, she said, "Sometimes." Her ability to hold both her fierceness and her vulnerability, strength, and struggles precisely makes her leadership genuine rather than impostor-like.

While understanding impostor syndrome is a crucial first step in self-leadership, the journey does not end with awareness. As Mary's story illustrates, moving beyond impostor feelings requires developing authentic confidence—not the false bravado that comes from "faking it," but the genuine self-assurance that emerges from knowing and accepting who you truly are. In the next chapter, we'll explore practical strategies for building confidence from the inside out, providing you with tools to transform self-doubt into a foundation for authentic and effective leadership.

Reflection Questions

1. Self-Inventory: Following Mary's example, reflect on your experience with impostor syndrome. What are your core fears in professional settings, and how do these fears influence your behavior?

2. Leadership Environment: How does your current work environment reinforce or help alleviate impostor feelings? Consider the difference between the skeptical and supportive leadership styles that Mary experienced.

3. Purpose Beyond Validation: What deeper purpose might your work serve beyond external validation? How might reconnecting with this purpose help address impostor feelings?

Summit of Leadership: Introduction

Introduction: The Summit of Leadership 

The morning air bit through my layers as I began the ascent of the Maroon Bells, two of Colorado's most challenging fourteen-thousand-foot peaks. As an aspiring "14er finisher" with fifty of Colorado's fifty-eight 14,000-foot mountains under my belt, I knew the physical demands that lay ahead. What I hadn't anticipated was how the emotional weight I carried would mirror the physical challenge of the 6,000-foot elevation gain before me. 

That morning, I shouldered my pack along with two profound burdens that had been weighing heavily on my heart. Grief has a way of making every step feel heavier, every breath more labored. Yet beside me walked my hiking guide, a patient friend who understood that sometimes the journey to the summit is about more than just reaching the top. 

The class 5 traverse between the Bells proved to be technically challenging but, ironically, easier than the initial ascent. Perhaps because by then, I had found my rhythm—not just in my footsteps, but in processing the emotions that had accompanied me up the mountain. Each careful placement of hands and feet across the traverse became a meditation, a moment of reflection. 

In my work as a leadership coach, I often find myself in a role similar to my mountain guide that day. Leaders come to me carrying their own invisible burdens: strategic challenges, team dynamics, personal doubts, and professional crossroads. Like that patient friend who helped me navigate the technical passages of the Bells, I walk alongside these leaders as they work through their setbacks, burdens, and distractions on their journey toward their goals. 

The most effective leaders, I've observed, are those who can guide their teams toward ambitious summits while maintaining their humanity and connection. They accomplish this through the power of reflection—a discipline often neglected in our fast-paced business world, yet crucial for higher-level leadership. Just as a mountaineer must constantly assess conditions, adjust their route, and check their team's wellbeing, great leaders take time to consider what matters most. 

As I continue my journey toward completing all of Colorado's 14ers, I've learned that the preparation, planning, and careful consideration of who will join me on each climb are forms of reflection themselves. These moments of contemplation are as vital as the physical training required for the ascent. 

Whether you're an emerging leader taking your first steps into management or a seasoned executive looking to leave a lasting impact, this book will guide you through the practice of Reflective Leadership. Like the well-worn trails to Colorado's highest peaks, the principles in these pages will help you chart a course that not only leads to your own summit but creates a path for others to follow. 

The journey ahead may be challenging, but with reflection as your compass, you'll find that the view from the top is worth every step. More importantly, you'll discover that the true measure of leadership success lies not just in reaching your own summit, but in helping others reach theirs. 

Welcome to the journey of Reflective Leadership. 

Russell Verhey  

Bringing Order out of Chaos - Foundations for Development

The Principles of Leadership: Bringing Order Out of Chaos

Leadership, at its essence, is about bringing order out of chaos. Effective leaders serve as anchors of stability and catalysts for transformation in a world characterized by complexity, uncertainty, and constant change. They can perceive patterns within disorder, identify pathways through confusion, and guide others toward clarity and purpose. Some areas of our life may seem orderly and well-executed, while others remain chaotic. As you reflect on your life and leadership, you may have some stories to tell, such as seasons and storms that felt chaotic compared to times of order and rest. Reflective leadership offers a framework to address this imbalance by focusing our attention on five critical spheres of influence.

The Five Spheres of Reflective Leadership

1. Self-Care (Soulwork): The foundation of effective leadership begins with intentionally attending to what matters most in our inner lives. This sphere focuses on spiritual vitality, holistic well-being, moral character, and values alignment. It maintains the tension between "human being" and "human doing," recognizing that neglecting our inner life leads to burnout, misaligned priorities, and diminished effectiveness.

2. Self-leadership (Development Work): This sphere involves the efficacy of self-direction, personal effectiveness, and continuous growth. Leaders prioritizing self-leadership exhibit emotional intelligence, self-awareness, resilience, and adaptability. They inspire confidence and trust by demonstrating a commitment to their development before attempting to lead others.

3. Team Leadership (Effective Work): This dimension guides diverse collective efforts toward everyday purposes and shared goals. It involves understanding group dynamics, leveraging diverse talents, and creating environments where team members feel valued and empowered. Effective team leaders foster collaboration, innovation, and high performance by balancing task achievement with relationship development.

4. Strategic Leadership (Efficiency Work): This realm focuses on executing compelling plans by leveraging organizational potential for the good of all stakeholders. It encompasses vision-casting, systems thinking, resource alignment, and navigating complexity with agility and foresight. Strategic leaders anticipate trends, identify opportunities, and drive organizational change to achieve long-term objectives.

5. Societal Leadership (Legacy Work): The most expansive sphere transcends organizational boundaries to impact broader communities positively. This dimension involves mentoring emerging leaders, championing meaningful causes, and creating sustainable change. Societal leaders understand that their legacy isn't measured solely by organizational achievements but by how they've elevated others and contributed to the greater good.

Models of Leadership: Daniel Batchelder's Story

As leadership students, we are fortunate to have mentors who embody the principles we aspire to emulate. My mentor, Daniel Batchelder, is a significant model who has led an NGO in Afghanistan for twenty-plus years and vividly demonstrates how the five spheres of reflective leadership can bring order from chaos in one of the world's most challenging environments.

In the rugged landscapes of Afghanistan, where uncertainty was the only constant, Daniel maintained an extraordinary center of calm that exemplified the power of Self-Care. His leadership wasn't fueled by adrenaline but by deep spiritual groundedness. Despite the chaos surrounding him, Daniel prioritized practices that nurtured his inner life—regular reflection, community engagement, and intentional rest rhythms. When rockets fell nearby, and political winds shifted overnight, his unshakeable composure came not from stoicism but from a cultivated inner life that provided perspective and resilience.

Daniel's commitment to Self-Leadership never wavered, despite operating in an environment with limited resources and constant demands. He voraciously consumed knowledge about Afghan culture, organizational leadership, and cross-cultural dynamics. He sought feedback constantly from Western colleagues and Afghan staff and community members, demonstrating remarkable humility and openness to learning. He developed disciplines that maximized his effectiveness—focusing on priorities, managing his energy rather than just his time, and adapting his leadership style to diverse contexts.

What distinguished Daniel's Team Leadership was his ability to create a genuine community among extraordinarily diverse people. His organization employed Afghans from different ethnic groups with historical animosities, alongside expatriates from multiple countries. Rather than allowing these differences to fragment the organization, Daniel leveraged this diversity as a strength. His one-page culture document served not as a rigid policy but as a touchstone for shared values that transcended cultural differences. This living document guided the organization seamlessly from the United States to the Middle East, creating a culture where people thrived despite challenging circumstances.

Afghanistan presented a labyrinth of competing interests and unpredictable challenges that defied conventional planning, yet Daniel demonstrated extraordinary Strategic Leadership. He maintained a clear vision for sustainable community development while constantly adapting tactical approaches as conditions changed. He anticipated trends before they emerged, identified opportunities within constraints, and navigated regulatory complexities across multiple governments with remarkable dexterity. Most importantly, he communicated strategy in ways that aligned diverse stakeholders—from village elders to international donors—around common objectives despite differing interests.

Daniel's influence extended beyond his organization's projects, embodying true Societal Leadership. He understood that lasting impact involves developing local capacity for self-governance and sustainable development. He invested heavily in mentoring Afghan leaders, many of whom went on to establish their organizations or serve in government positions. He built relationships with tribal elders, religious leaders, and community stakeholders based on genuine respect and mutual learning. Twenty years later, his legacy lives not primarily in projects completed but in lives transformed, and leaders developed who continue bringing positive change to their communities.

Through all five spheres, Daniel brought remarkable order from chaos. His sage approach created organizational stability and a profound sense of calm during many storms that threatened the organization and the lives of its staff. He demonstrated that reflective leadership isn't just about managing tasks; it is about transforming lives and communities through intentional development across all spheres of influence.

What about your leaders? What about your leadership?

Considering these five realms of reflective leadership, please consider leaders who have modeled positive and negative attributes in each sphere before we move into each of the five spheres.

Consider and write the names of the 1-5 role models who demonstrated effective:

• Self-care

• Self-leadership

• Team-leadership

• Strategic-leadership

• Societal-leadership

We all have a context for leadership—role models who have shaped our understanding of what leadership can be. Reflective leadership invites you to consider how you want to grow in each realm—from cultivating a vital inner life to creating an impact legacy that inspires those within your influence. The journey toward bringing order from chaos begins with honest self-assessment and intentional development across all five spheres of leadership.

The Impact of Reflective Leadership Development

The contrast between Daniel's approach and leaders who neglect development underscores the tangible benefits of investing in leadership growth. Research shows organizations with comprehensive leadership development programs experience increased productivity, higher employee engagement, and stronger financial performance.

By bringing order out of chaos through reflective leadership, Daniel created a functioning organization and a thriving community that weathered extraordinary challenges. His example illuminates the path for anyone seeking to lead effectively in today's complex and uncertain world.

Whether you lead a global organization, a community initiative, or simply your household, the principles of reflective leadership offer a foundation for bringing meaning, purpose, and direction to the chaos that surrounds us all. The journey begins, as it did for Daniel, with intentional development across all five spheres—a continuous process of growth that transforms not just the leader but everyone they touch.

Chapter 4 - The Self-Care Reset: Fueling Your Personal and Professional Growth

Bridging the Journey

In the previous chapter, "When I Weep," we explored the invitation to emotional vitality—embracing our full emotional landscape rather than compartmentalizing or suppressing it. This emotional awareness forms the cornerstone of authentic leadership. Now, we transition to another critical dimension of reflective leadership: the essential practice of self-care.

My story from twenty years ago is that I found myself in what I now call my "full-throttle season." I was juggling demanding work responsibilities, family commitments, and the rigorous demands of continuing education. From the outside, it appeared I was managing it all with remarkable efficiency. My calendar was organized, my productivity was high, I was meeting every deadline, and my business was profitable. By every standard, I was a success. Yet beneath this carefully constructed facade of competence, my inner landscape was eroding.

I was focusing far too much on externals, guarding against my inner thoughts, fearful I might not like the answers to deeper questions such as: Why am I running so hard? What's driving me? What's keeping me from stopping? During those seasons of running hard, I had clarity on questions that scared me to death to answer. Yet no doubt I felt them in my gut, churning in my stomach, wanting some expression, answers, or conversation.

It became increasingly clear that I needed new rhythms for my soul and self-care practices to keep me grounded. This chapter explores that journey—a journey many leaders will recognize—and offers a framework for your self-care reset. Acknowledging this need was a relief, a sign that change was possible and that a better, more sustainable way of leading was within reach.

The Paradox of High-Performance Seasons

High-commitment, high-pressure seasons are paradoxical in nature. There's often tremendous good happening—achievement, impact, growth, recognition. There lies the challenge. The external markers of success can mask the internal warning signs of depletion. We rationalize our exhaustion as the necessary cost of meaningful work and significant impact.

The language of "When I Weep" gives us permission to be transparent—open, teachable, and agile for what's good but also receptive to a better way. This transparency extends to acknowledging a fundamental truth: thriving may not always be found while striving.

Throughout reflective leadership, I'll touch on times of fatigue, exhaustion, and even burnout. It's a common language for leaders, and it's also been part of my journey. More often than not, the greatest threat to your leadership, life, and well-being comes when you're thin from running too hard. These threats manifest as distraction, depletion, and discouragement. They're subtle and subjective, but they emerge at a cost.

Practically speaking, consider the quality of your thought process and decisions from Friday at 3:30 p.m. to Monday morning. A good night's rest and the requisite time for critical decisions can save lives, let alone thousands of dollars. The need for a self-care reset is significant. In my story, poor, tired, reactive decisions have cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Missing The Warning Signs

Looking back, the warning signs were evident, though I was adept at ignoring them. My sleep quality had deteriorated. I was subsisting on caffeine and convenience foods. Exercise had become a luxury I couldn't afford. Most concerning, my reflective practices—the quiet moments of journaling, meditation, and prayer that had previously anchored my days—had been squeezed out by urgent demands. I wore my exhaustion as a badge of honor, proving my resiliency. I had succumbed to the perception that prioritizing my well-being was somehow a bit selfish or indulgent. This mindset is deeply embedded and encouraged within our family, workplace, and church-community cultures. We glorify the leader who arrives first and leaves last, answers emails at midnight, and sacrifices vacation time for the sake of the mission. We mistake presence for productivity and busyness for effectiveness. As my pastor, Brady Boyd, wrote in his book a few years ago, we're addicted to busy. Recognizing these warning signs was empowering, a sign that I was in control and could take proactive steps to change.

The Questions That Churned Within

During this full-throttle season, specific questions surfaced in quiet moments—usually in the liminal space between wakefulness and sleep, when my defenses were down. Mike Foster identified these as the Seven Primal Questions, a simple framework that gives scope to reflection:

• Am I safe?

• Am I secure?

• Am I loved?

• Am I wanted?

• Am I successful?

• Am I good enough?

• Do I have a purpose?

These questions weren't intellectual exercises but visceral, emotional inquiries bubbling up from my core. They demanded answers and honest engagement with my deepest values, fears, and longings.

The question of "Am I successful?" was particularly charged for me. I had constructed an identity around achievement and recognition. My worth had become entangled with external markers of success. This created a treadmill effect—each accomplishment brought momentary satisfaction, quickly replaced by the pressure to achieve, do, and be more.

Meanwhile, "Am I good enough?" lurked beneath the surface, driving my relentless pace. If I worked harder, delivered more, and sacrificed further, I could finally silence the inner critic questioning my worth.

The Turning Point

My turning point didn't come in a dramatic breakdown (though many leaders experience this). Instead, it emerged through a series of small wake-up calls. A trusted mentor pointed out that my creative thinking had become reactive rather than generative. My spouse gently noted that while physically present, I seemed emotionally distant. A medical checkup revealed elevated stress markers. These signals converged, creating a moment of clarity. I realized that my current approach wasn't sustainable, and more importantly, it wasn't leading to the impact I truly desired. This was a pivotal moment in my journey, and it might help you identify similar moments in your own life.

These signals converged, creating a moment of clarity. I realized that my current approach wasn't sustainable, and more importantly, it wasn't leading to the impact I truly desired. I was efficient but not effective, busy but not fulfilled, present but not engaged.

This realization led to what I now call a "self-care reset"—not a temporary retreat, but a fundamental recalibration of my relationship with work, rest, and well-being.

The Self-Care Reset Framework

Similar to the invitation to emotional vitality, the self-care reset is invitational. It's a "get-to," not necessarily a "have-to." It's more prescriptive than descriptive. It's preventive for bad decisions and burnout.

The framework involves five interconnected dimensions:

1. Physical Restoration

This begins with the basics—adequate sleep, proper nutrition, and regular movement. These aren't luxuries but the foundation of cognitive function, emotional regulation, and decision-making capacity.

My reset involved committing to seven hours of sleep nightly, replacing convenience foods with nutrient-dense alternatives, and scheduling non-negotiable time for physical activity such as walking as restorative.

2. Emotional Awareness

Building on the insights from "When I Weep," this dimension involves creating space to acknowledge, process, and express emotions rather than suppressing or compartmentalizing them.

For me, this meant resuming my journaling practice, engaging with a therapist, and creating boundaries around emotional labor. I recognized that constantly absorbing others' emotional needs without replenishment depleted my empathy and connection capacity.

3. Mental Clarity

Information overload, constant connectivity, and decision fatigue can cloud our thinking and impair judgment. Mental clarity requires intentional practices that filter inputs and create space for deep thinking.

My reset included technology boundaries (no devices during meals or the first/last hour of the day), dedicated time for deep work without interruptions, and regular digital sabbaticals. These practices created the cognitive space needed for creative problem-solving and strategic thinking.

4. Relational Investment

Meaningful connections are not optional; they're essential for leadership resilience. Yet high-pressure seasons often lead us to neglect the relationships that could sustain us.

My reset involved identifying my core relationships—those that energized rather than depleted me—and prioritizing regular, quality engagement. This meant saying no to networking events that added little value and yes to deeper conversations with trusted colleagues and friends.

5. Spiritual Grounding

Spiritual practices provide context, meaning, and perspective. They connect daily challenges to larger purposes and transcendent values.

My reset reestablished consistent meditation, prayer, and contemplative reading. These practices weren't additions to an already packed schedule but foundational elements that informed how I approached everything else.

The Return on Investment

The self-care reset isn't about indulgence—it's about effectiveness. The return on investment becomes evident in multiple dimensions:

• Decision quality improves significantly when we're rested, nourished, and centered.

• Creative capacity expands when we create space for reflection and restoration.

• Relational intelligence deepens when we're emotionally regulated and fully present.

• Resilience strengthens as we develop sustainable rhythms rather than sprinting until exhaustion.

Perhaps most significantly, a self-care reset reconnects us with our core values and purposes. It creates the conditions for asking not just "What am I doing?" but "Why am I doing it?" and "Who am I becoming in the process?"

The Ongoing Practice

A self-care reset isn't a one-time event but an ongoing practice of attunement and adjustment. It requires regular reflection on Foster's primal questions, using them as gauges for well-being and alignment.

When I feel anxiety rising (Am I safe?), it signals the need for practices that create psychological safety and boundary reinforcement.

When financial concerns dominate my thinking (Am I secure?), it prompts a review of my relationship with resources and sufficiency.

When I feel disconnected or isolated (Am I loved? Am I wanted?), investing in key relationships and community engagement is time.

When achievement becomes all-consuming ("Am I successful?" "Am I good enough?"), I need to reconnect with my intrinsic worth beyond performance.

When meaninglessness creeps in (Do I have a purpose?), it's an invitation to realign daily activities with core values and vision.

These questions give language that guides SoulWork further and informs the self-care practices that need the most attention during particular seasons. They create a feedback loop that prevents the accumulation of stress and depletion, leading to burnout.

A New Understanding of Leadership Power

Through this reset process, I've understood that true leadership power stems not from relentless activity but from grounded presence. The rested, centered, and aligned leader brings a qualitatively different energy to challenges than the depleted, reactive, and fragmented leader.

This understanding challenges the prevailing notion that self-care and high performance are opposing values. They're complementary. The capacity to lead effectively over the long term—to make wise decisions, inspire others, navigate complexity, and facilitate transformation—depends on sustainable self-care practices.

The paradox is that slowing down often allows us to advance more effectively. Pausing creates the conditions for clarity, and rest enables more impactful action. Self-care isn't separate from leadership effectiveness—it's integral to it.

The Bridge to Self-Leadership

I remember my full-throttle season as a life-defining moment. The awakening that occurred during that time fundamentally shifted how I understood the relationship between caring for myself and leading others. Yet the truth is, I've had many similar seasons since then. Each has presented its version of the same fundamental challenge: remaining present, grounded, and practical amidst increasing demands and responsibilities.

Through these recurring cycles, I've learned that self-care isn't a destination but a path. It's not about achieving perfect balance—an elusive concept at best—but about developing the awareness and agility to recognize when I'm moving toward depletion and the courage to adjust course before reaching critical levels.

I hope I've progressed toward more intentional SoulWork and self-care practices over the years. This progress serves dual purposes: my welfare, certainly, but equally important, cultivating greater inner capacity—grace—to serve others well. I've come to see that the quality of my presence with others is directly proportional to the quality of my presence with myself. The compassion I extend to my limitations becomes the compassion I can authentically offer to others in their struggles.

We now approach this threshold as we move toward Chapter 5, "Grit & Grace." The self-care practices we've explored aren't merely about personal restoration—though that alone would justify their value. They're the foundation upon which we build the capacity for genuine self-leadership. They create the inner resources that allow us to navigate the inevitable tensions of leadership: to hold boundaries with kindness, pursue excellence without perfectionism, honor both achievement and renewal and blend determination with flexibility.

The journey from self-care to self-leadership requires grit—the resilience to establish and maintain healthy practices even when challenges arise—and grace—the compassion to honor our humanity and limitations. In the next chapter, we'll explore how these twin qualities enable us to lead ourselves with wisdom and authenticity, creating the foundation from which we can effectively lead others.

Reflection Questions

1. Reflect on your current "full-throttle season." Which of Mike Foster's Seven Primal Questions resonates most deeply with you right now, and what might that reveal about the self-care practice that needs your immediate attention?

2. Consider the quality of your decisions and interactions at your most depleted (perhaps Friday afternoon) versus your most restored (perhaps after a restful weekend). What patterns do you notice, and what does this suggest about the relationship between your self-care and leadership effectiveness?

3. What is one small, sustainable self-care practice you could implement tomorrow to address your most pressing depletion area? How might you design this practice to be resilient against the inevitable pressures and demands that will compete for this time?

Chapter 1 Self-Care (SoulWork): Refilling Your Empty Cup

There exists a profound interplay between the words "soul" and "self" when paired with "care" - one carrying the weight of our deepest essence, the other a more contemporary nod to personal maintenance. Soul care implies tending to the philosophical or spiritual dimensions that reflect the most central core of our being - that intangible essence that defines our purpose, meaning, and connection to something greater than ourselves. Self-care, its more popularized cousin, has been embraced by wellness culture as practical actions we take to maintain physical and mental equilibrium. The beauty lies not in choosing between them but in recognizing their harmonious dance - the inward journey of soul reflection complementing the outward practices of self-preservation. This intertwining creates what I've come to call "SoulWork" - a holistic approach to nurturing our complete selves.

Twenty years ago, before wellness retreats and mental health days became workplace staples, I encountered these concepts in the hallowed halls of Denver Seminary. "self-care" and "wellbeing" had yet to permeate corporate handbooks and HR initiatives. Yet I was, a master's student initially focused on leadership studies, unexpectedly drawn into the transformative world of spiritual formation. This encounter wasn't merely academic - it became the life raft I didn't know I desperately needed.

The Empty Cup Syndrome

"Russell, you can't give out of an empty cup." The wisdom of my mentor's words still echoes within me today. Another mentor reinforced this truth: "You can't impart what you don't possess." Then there's the familiar airline safety instruction that initially seems counterintuitive - secure your oxygen mask before assisting others. At 35,000 feet, those precious seconds mean the difference between consciousness and blackout.

These principles converge into one universal truth: authentic giving, leading, and serving require a wellspring of internal resources. When we deplete ourselves without replenishment, we offer diluted versions of our capabilities and, eventually, nothing. The tragedy lies in our exhaustion and what the world loses when our unique gifts become muted or extinguished.

During my seminary years, I embodied the archetype of the empty cup. I was raising a young family while running a nationwide business with employees and projects. Every other week, I was on a plane to a different city. We were building a new house at home, beginning homeschooling with our children and managing a calendar overflowing with activities. My life moved at a relentless 100 miles per hour, leaving no margin for pause, reflection, or restoration.

Where does one find time to coast when running at such speed? How does one create space for thought, reflection, journaling, or prayer? These questions weighed heavily, though I lacked the language to articulate them fully.

The Transformative Power of Community

What truly transformed my life wasn't a book or a seminar, but an invitation into a community - a community focused on spiritual formation. This wasn't just a class, but a structured space for reflection, contemplative thought, listening prayer, and practices that allowed me to pause within the gift of silence and solitude. It was a beacon of hope in a world that often feels overwhelming.

I remember starkly recognizing that no book alone could have guided me to the transformation I experienced in that community under the guidance of a spiritual director. That season created more than practices—it formed categories and language for what I felt but couldn't express. It revealed paths off the treadmill of busyness toward that elusive quiet place at a soul level.

This community taught me that SoulWork isn't a solitary endeavor. We need guides, fellow travelers, and wisdom beyond our experience to illuminate the journey. The paradox became clear: to truly discover our innermost selves, we sometimes need others to hold space for that discovery.

Understanding SoulWork as Holistic Practice

SoulWork is a practice that holds the tension between soul-care and self-care, creating something more significant than either alone. It recognizes humans as multidimensional beings with interconnected physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual needs. When we compartmentalize these aspects, we fragment our experience and limit our potential for wholeness. This understanding can bring a new level of awareness and enlightenment to our lives.

Consider how a neglected physical body impacts spiritual clarity or how emotional turbulence clouds intellectual discernment. These dimensions don't operate in isolation but form an integrated wellbeing ecosystem.

In practical terms, SoulWork might look like:

• Physical practices that honor the body as a vessel for more profound work

• Emotional exploration that acknowledges feelings as messengers rather than distractions

• Intellectual engagement that connects knowledge with meaning

• Spiritual disciplines that create space for transcendence and connection

• Relational investments that recognize our interdependence with others

The beauty of SoulWork lies in its dynamism. It evolves with our worldviews, values, beliefs, and life seasons. What fills your cup in a season of building and expansion might differ from what nourishes you in a time of consolidation or transition. This understanding can empower you to take control of your wellbeing and adapt your practices to your current life circumstances.

The Chronic Fatigue of Modern Life

Before terms like "burnout" entered the everyday conversation, I battled many symptoms of inadequate self-care. My spiritual formation journey helped identify themes and patterns underlying my beliefs, motivations, and drives for success—patterns frequently left me with chronic fatigue and occasional burnout.

Our modern context often celebrates depletion as dedication. We wear exhaustion as a badge of honor, conflating busyness with importance and productivity with worth. Technology has blurred the boundaries between work and rest, creating expectations of perpetual availability. Social media presents curated versions of others' lives that trigger comparison and inadequacy. Economic pressures demand more output with fewer resources.

Within this context, emptiness becomes normalized. We function in deficit states, barely noticing our depletion until crisis forces acknowledgment. The quiet voice within that whispers "enough" gets drowned by notifications, deadlines, and obligations.

SoulWork begins with the recognition of unsustainable patterns in our modern lives. It starts with the courage to question cultural assumptions about productivity and success. It requires honesty about our limitations and humility about our needs.

Diverse Expressions of SoulWork

As I've worked with leaders globally—from India to Argentina, Korea to London, Austria to Saudi Arabia—I've observed how SoulWork manifests differently across cultures and traditions. The expressions vary, but the underlying human need remains constant.

Broadly speaking, SoulWork refers to the intentional and ongoing practice of nurturing one's inner life, including thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and values. It acknowledges the profound significance of the soul's connection to overall wellbeing.

For some, this involves traditional spiritual practices:

• Meditative prayer connecting to divine presence

• Scripture study for wisdom and guidance

• Community worship for shared devotion and support

• Fasting for clarity and renewed perspective

• Pilgrimage to sacred places that evoke wonder

For others, it takes secular but equally meaningful forms:

• Philosophical reflection on purpose and meaning

• Mindfulness practices that cultivate the presence

• Creative expression that accesses deeper awareness

• Time in nature that evokes awe and perspective

• Ethical examination that aligns actions with values

The common thread isn't the specific practice but the intentional cultivation of inner awareness and alignment with one's deepest values and truths.

Finding Your Rhythm in Different Seasons

Given various life seasons, there comes a time to press toward the finish line and lean into the commitments that accompany particular phases. Not every moment allows for an extended retreat or contemplation. The parent of young children, the entrepreneur launching a business, the caregiver to aging parents—all face seasons where margin seems impossible.

Yet even within these demanding periods, there is the possibility of finding space—perhaps not extensive, but sufficient—to gain perspective on priorities and establish sustainable rhythms for work and life.

SoulWork isn't always grand or dramatic. Sometimes, it's the small sacred pause before responding to an email, the deep breath before entering a meeting, or the moment of gratitude while washing dishes. These micro-practices sustain us when more extended practices prove impractical.

I've found my SoulWork in the grandeur of adventuring in the Colorado mountains, walking beach shores with my wife, celebrating with family, conversing with trusted friends, taking truck rides for ice cream on summer evenings, and sitting in my rocking chair with Bible and journal, watching the sunrise with coffee in hand.

These aren't extravagant or complex practices but fill my empty cup with precisely what my soul needs in different seasons.

The Practical Pathway to Beginning SoulWork

For those resonating with the concept but unsure where to begin, consider these starting points:

1. Honest Assessment: Where are you depleted? Physical exhaustion? Emotional numbness? Spiritual disconnection? Intellectual stagnation? Identifying specific areas of emptiness creates clarity about what needs filling.

2. Permission: Grant yourself explicit permission to prioritize SoulWork. This isn't selfish but necessary stewardship of your most precious resource—yourself.

3. Start Small: Begin with five minutes of intentional practice daily rather than attempting hour-long sessions that prove unsustainable. Consistency matters more than duration.

4. Find Guidance: Seek mentors, spiritual directors, therapists, or trusted friends who can accompany your journey. Their outside perspective often illuminates blind spots we cannot see.

5. Create Structure: Establish regular rhythms that support SoulWork. This might mean morning meditation, evening reflection, weekly sabbath, monthly retreat, or annual pilgrimage.

6. Practice Presence: Cultivate awareness in ordinary moments. The drive to work, the walk to the mailbox, the wait in line—all become opportunities for mindfulness rather than distraction.

7. Embrace Silence: Create pockets of quiet in a noisy world. Turn off notifications, step away from screens, and allow your mind the space to settle and integrate.

8. Document the Journey: Keep a journal of insights, questions, and observations. This creates a tangible record of growth and provides material for ongoing reflection.

The Organizational Imperative

While SoulWork begins as a personal practice, its implications extend beyond individual wellbeing. Organizations increasingly recognize that depleted people cannot sustain excellence or innovation. Companies investing in employee wellbeing aren't merely altruistic—they're making strategic decisions about sustainability and performance.

Leaders who model SoulWork create permission structures that ripple throughout their organizations. When a manager visibly prioritizes renewal and reflection, it signals that such practices are valued rather than penalized. This cultural shift doesn't happen through policy alone but through lived examples.

The most compelling leaders I've encountered globally share this common trait: they've developed practices that sustain their inner resources, allowing them to lead from abundance rather than scarcity. Their influence stems from position or expertise and the integrated authenticity that SoulWork cultivates.

The Continuous Journey

SoulWork isn't a destination but a continuous journey of discovery and renewal. It evolves as we grow, adapts as circumstances change, and deepens as our capacity expands. What filled your cup a decade ago might differ from what nourishes you today.

This journey invites a perpetual beginner's mind—an openness to new insights, practices, and understandings. It welcomes questions rather than demanding certainty. It values exploration over arrival.

Twenty years after my seminary experience created categories for understanding SoulWork, I continue discovering new dimensions of this practice. Each life season brings fresh challenges requiring adapted approaches. The fundamentals remain constant—the need for filling before pouring out—but the specific methods continue evolving.

Conclusion: Beyond Survival to Thriving

SoulWork represents more than a survival strategy; it offers a pathway to thriving in a world that often demands more than we can sustainably give. It acknowledges our fundamental need for renewal and provides practical approaches to meeting that need.

The invitation stands before us: Will we continue operating from depletion or commit to practices that replenish our deepest resources? Will we perpetuate cultures of exhaustion, or will we model sustainable rhythms that allow for both productivity and presence?

Taking that next step—creating space for oxygen, refilling your cup, and reflecting on what helps you thrive rather than merely survive—might be the most important decision you make today. In a world desperate for authentic leadership, compassionate service, and meaningful connection, your filled cup becomes not just personal sustenance but a gift to everyone you encounter.

SoulWork isn't selfish indulgence but strategic stewardship of your most precious resource—the unique combination of gifts, perspectives, and presence that only you can offer the world. When you fill your cup through intentional SoulWork, you don't just serve yourself; you serve your highest purpose and the greater good that awaits your fully resourced contribution.

Reflection Questions

1. Identify Your Empty Cup Signs: What specific indicators—physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual—tell you that your cup is depleting? How might recognizing these signs earlier change your approach to SoulWork?

2. Examine Your Current Rhythms: Which current practices in your life fill your cup, and which ones consistently drain it? Where could you create even small spaces for restoration within your existing schedule?

3. Envision Your Ideal SoulWork: What would your ideal SoulWork practice look like if all external constraints were removed? From that vision, what is one element you could realistically incorporate into your life this week?

Chapter 2 - The Integrated Life - Human Being Before Doing

Living an Integrated Life

Running so hard, measuring your life by measurable return runs the risk of focusing all your energy, thoughts, and affections on a few goals, objectives, and achievements that may not truly matter. To borrow a familiar line from the teachings of Jesus, "What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?" (Mark 8:36), emphasizes that worldly achievements are meaningless if they come at the cost of well-being, love, and your life.

Setting aside our beliefs, values, and priorities for secondary pursuits can lead to a disintegrated life. Being separated, falling away, or fractured from the whole. Integration is about integrity. To be sound, holistic, healthy, and right standing integrates the complexities of our lives as a whole. Integration of what we're doing, in the context of why it's significant, with a perspective of who we're becoming expressed through how we live our lives day-to-day. It's a dance of knowing, being, and doing that often finds missteps affecting the rhythms of a life at peace.

There are moments in life or in the lives of others that stand out: living fully, facing challenges, experiencing daily joys and then upsets, stretching from assignments yet somehow maintaining a profound peace and wisdom of inner stillness. This is the strength, the calm in the storm, and the grace that comes from intentional living.

I'm pursuing what I call the integrated life—a framework that serves as more than just a philosophy. It's a practical guide for my decisions, a compass that directs me toward greater harmony between my faith, values, relationships, and commitments. This approach provides decision-making criteria that inform my priorities and values, serving as a reliable guide through life's complexities. We will have choices regarding where to invest our time and resources, which may or may not yield the return or results that truly matter.

The integrated life is about making decisions that move me closer to the core of who I am. It creates opportunities to weave more faith into my daily existence—faith is one of my primary values. It enables me to make choices that incorporate more of my family, friendships, and meaningful relationships into the fabric of my life. This approach isn't about saying yes to everything. Rather, it's about examining opportunities through the grid of my deepest values versus pursuing things that may be good but not necessarily the best for me. These considerations run soul-deep under what I call the chapter of "soul work." I'm trying to craft a message reflecting how we care for and nurture our souls, reaching a place where we can truthfully say, "It is well with my soul," regardless of whatever season or circumstance we're facing.

The Reality of Soul Challenges

Recently, I shared a conversation with a friend experiencing significant loss. Some have invested years and hundreds of thousands of dollars into businesses that will likely fail—fail according to profitability and sustainability measures. They grapple with questions about how long to persist, when to pivot, and when to give up on something that simply isn't working.

Yet there's a profound grief and heartache that comes after investing five years into something only to feel suddenly labeled with shame and failure. This leads to complex emotions around shame, regret, and heartache. It's a genuine grief that requires acknowledgment.

Another construction leader I spoke with this week, in his sixties, is dealing with aging issues around parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law. He's providing end-of-life care or support for those with dementia. He's also facing the practical challenge of family members who haven't planned well financially, creating increased responsibility for those serving as caregivers.

These situations create burdens that leave you feeling empty and poured out. These are realities where your soul becomes dried up, wearied, and weathered. But we must also identify the elements that nurture the soul.

Soul Work Fundamentals

This is the soul work we must recognize—establishing daily practices as essential as breathing, resting, and eating well. These practices could include meditation, journaling, or engaging in hobbies that bring joy. Being around loved ones provides those base practices that allow us to be human beings before we're human beings. These fundamentals will enable us to connect with people during their most challenging times and be compassionate and empathetic.

How we care for our own souls creates a grid, criteria, and capacity to care for others in their time of need. We might call this "having a heart." What do we do to care for our hearts? How do we tend to the most profound and core aspects of who we are, ensuring we're not neglecting what matters most?

This brings us to the language of self-care—those practices that allow us to nurture what's most important in our lives. Yet these self-care practices are often basic things neglected because of daily demands, the tyranny of the urgent in our work life, or external circumstances beyond our control. It's crucial to remember that caring for ourselves is not a luxury, but a necessity.

Consider a young mother caring for a little one. She often feels stretched because she's caring so much for others that she lacks time to care for herself. There's always tension in the discussion about what self-care looks like. What does tending to your soul—this soul work—look like to be sufficient?

Beyond What We Do

We must acknowledge that the core aspects of who we are need tending. This premise challenges popularized thinking that focuses merely on what we're doing, how we're doing it, or even why we're doing it. Understanding purpose and significance—why something matters—is certainly an important variable for prioritizing our energy.

But often, all that consideration allows us the expense of who we are and, perhaps more importantly, who we're becoming. When we talk about soul work, we think about the types of people we're becoming.

Later we'll discuss self-leadership from a developmental standpoint. Self-leadership is the ability to guide and motivate oneself to achieve personal goals. It's about who we're becoming that allows us to grow in competency. But this chapter addresses the character of who we are. When we nurture our souls, we're nurturing our character, recognizing that these characteristics represent the most significant qualities about us.

In a sobering sense, we're often compromised in ways we do not realize. We've said yes to things we perhaps later recognize we never should have in the first place. We feel stretched thin to where we lack time to care for what matters most. We may have gone against our conscience, sense of standard, or personal ethics.

Level-Setting for Your Soul

This is level-setting—not just for organizational leadership, strategy, or teamwork, but for your own soul. We must reflect on those non-negotiables that once allowed us to be at our best. From a coaching standpoint, we often ask: What's the highest and best use of your time? What will enable you to reach your full potential, becoming the best version of yourself?

Reflective speculation gives us time to pause and consider identifying what we were doing at our best and what characteristics and qualities were revealed about us. This is an invitation, more than a mandate, to take time for pause and reflection.

What are the self-care practices that create space for your soul? This allows you to return to being a human being rather than just a human doing. We spend most of our time at work and in other activities, but how much time over a day, week, month, or year do we devote to tending our souls?

When we do this well, it gives us greater capacity to connect with others. When we examine our reflective model of five spheres of leadership influence, we find that the most significant issues within leadership and organizations are, most of the time, people problems.

The Value Proposition of Soul Care

The premise here is that as we invest not just in hard skills but in actual soft skills, we create a value proposition: as we improve our ability to work with people, we see a difference in resolving problems more quickly, motivating people to higher levels of engagement and productivity, improving retention, and lowering turnover.

In some ways, the softest skills—tending to your soul through self—care practices—may be the most significant investment of your time in seeing the impact of your leadership.

This is an opportunity to return to those core things that make you who you are. Some of your self-care proves identifying a long-forgotten hobby that needs raking. What are those things you love to do—not have to do, but pause and reflect to find joy in the activity itself?

Practical Self-Care

What are the self-care practices, even the baseline of identifying how much sleep you're getting, the foods you're eating, and the friendships you're nurturing? Who are the people that, after spending time with them, make you feel better? Or enjoying a good meal that nourishes not just your body but your sense of well-being, rather than consuming foods that harm your physical health.

Consider the benefits of getting out for a walk, incorporating a little exercise, and stealing away 10, 15, or 30 minutes a day to move around. Enjoy not just the activity itself or physically "getting your steps in," but notice the world around you—the clouds in the sky, the sun on your face, the benefits of vitamin D. Take time to smell the roses or observe the seasonal changes as leaves grow on trees or fall off, or feel a snowflake land on your face.

These things we take time to notice—these little details—somehow stir nostalgia or memory that mark creativity and ultimately bring a smile to your face. Simply ask: How often do you smile throughout your day? What produces beyond just surface happiness—a sense of joy, delight, and wonder that nurtures your soul and shows in your countenance?

This doesn't necessarily require an overhaul, though some dedicated time away—whether in solitude, with family, or on a genuine vacation where you're not responsible for someone else's happiness—creates opportunity. You might identify some daily practices for reflection, prayer, quiet meditation, reading a good book, journaling daily events, or keeping a gratitude journal to give thanks.

The Power of Pause

Taking a pause in this reflective space is vitally important. A therapist friend who works with trauma survivors calls a version of this activity "emotional fitness"—identifying the highs and lows of your day. Reflect for 30 seconds or three minutes on the highs and lows, identifying the emotions you felt, from anger and frustration to joy and absolute delight.

This is an opportunity to consider what you can do to tend to your own soul so that when life happens, you absorb it more holistically rather than compartmentalizing and stuffing feelings away for another day.

Start small, building practices that give you time to reflect and pause. Perhaps set a reminder text on your phone or an alarm that prompts you to pause two or three times daily—to pray, give thanks, offer someone appreciation or encouragement, or simply smile. Something in a purely physiological sense somehow translates into caring for your soul and finding delight during your day.

Beyond Surface Understanding

This isn't meant to be an extensive deep dive into the human soul. Plenty of resources and books exist to pursue from theological, psychological, or sociological standpoints. But the integrated approach asks: What are those things that, when you take care of yourself, allow you to be more fully human, with a greater capacity for knowing and doing, to impact the world around you?

This begins with reflection, perhaps probing moments when you were happiest, filled with joy, delight, and wonder. What activities were you doing? Who were the people around you? What could you do to nurture some of those experiences or reconnect with those relationships?

Take time to plan. If there are places you want your emotions to spend time with, be proactive rather than reactive, looking forward to those activities. Or perhaps block time to create space that you protect throughout your day—30 minutes for quiet reflection in the morning, getting up 30 minutes or an hour earlier for quiet space, or blocking 15 or 30 minutes on your calendar with a "do not disturb" on your phone and your office door closed.

The Integration Point

The integrated life isn't about perfect balance—it's about intentional alignment. When we tend to our souls, we're not just improving ourselves; we're creating ripple effects through every relationship and responsibility we hold. The more we integrate our core values, the more authentic and impactful our lives become.

Integration doesn't mean everything receives equal time. Rather, it means everything receives appropriate attention according to your deepest values. Sometimes your work will demand more energy, sometimes your family, sometimes your renewal. The integrated life is fluid, responsive, and ultimately sustainable.

By prioritizing being before doing, we create a foundation from which all our actions can flow with greater purpose and meaning. We become less reactive and more intentional. We experience less internal conflict because our actions align more consistently with our values. Perhaps most importantly, we develop the capacity to help others find their integration points.

The journey toward an integrated life isn't a destination but a continual process of alignment and realignment. It requires regular reflection and adjustment. But the results—greater peace, more meaningful connections, and a deeper sense of purpose—make it one of the most worthwhile pursuits of a life well-lived.

Chapter 3- Soul Work - When I Weep

When I Weep: The Invitation to Emotional Vitality

SoulWork: The Core of Reflective Leadership

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy." — Psalm 126:5

Wait a second! Grown men don't cry! It's a weakness!

Yeah, brother, let me know how that stoicism is working for you when you lose a loved one, when you hold your six-pound, two-ounce baby girl looking into your eyes after birth, or when you dance with your daughter on her wedding day.

I grew up in a construction culture—surrounded by tough, unpretentious, no-BS individuals who let you know exactly where you stand. They'll make a man out of you or shame you to death until you buck up or move on. If you're not tough, then, well, you know what happens. Right or wrong, it's real.

This dynamic isn't unique to construction. Working in healthcare for a few years, I observed nursing women establishing pecking orders that reflected similar cultural norms. My buddies in the military describe the same phenomenon. An authoritarian culture elevates the smartest, fastest, most challenging, and most substantial to the top of the hill.

These cultural norms stand in direct opposition to Jesus's upside-down biblical premise: "Blessed are the meek" (Matthew 5:5). We might give a nod to this notion on Sunday morning, but Monday through Saturday, it's "blessed are the strong."

The Hidden Cost of Emotional Stoicism

When was the last time you wept?

I recently spent a week with construction field leaders up in the mountains for leadership training. Ironworkers build steel skyscrapers, union representatives run concrete operations in Chicago, superintendents manage crews of a hundred workers on railyard rehabilitation projects, and field leaders lay hundreds of miles of pipe. These men and women are builders, many of whom believe you check your feelings at the gate.

Construction sites, professional workplaces, and other work areas often operate on the premise that vulnerability equals weakness. If I'm vulnerable, then I am weak. Thus, we maintain a veneer of strength in the world where we work and, more often than not, where we live.

For parents, caregivers, and leaders, this worldview compounds: everyone depends on my strength, so how can I possibly be weak? The guard never comes down. Regardless of age, this belief fortifies a veneer around emotions that often leaks out in unhealthy ways I frame as the "5 Is":

1. Irritability leading to anger

2. Indulgence leading to addiction

3. Intensity leading to abuse

4. Invisibility leading to absence

5. Indifference leading to abandonment

Disconnection from our emotions leads to isolation from ourselves and others. Emotional constipation might seem humorous at first but proves painful over time.

The Leadership Paradox: Tough Outside, Tender Inside

Balancing the need to be tough outside yet tender inside creates genuine tension for leaders. So, where's the balance between stoicism and oversensitivity?

Nearly 30 years ago, wrestling with this tension as a young man and husband, I found insight in Stu Weber's "Tender Warrior" and later his "Four Pillars of Man," which gave language to this paradox of strength and weakness. Weber frames the roles of manhood by examining the archetypes of king, warrior, mentor, and friend. There's a call for strength and the need to acknowledge when we're tender in each realm. Everyday leadership demands both.

The most effective leaders I've known have mastered this paradox. They can make difficult decisions that impact others while maintaining access to their emotional core—the compass that guides ethical decision-making and authentic connection.

Soul-Level Impacts: When Life Scratches the Surface

Life events can scratch up against something soul-deep, shattering our emotional equilibrium. It's those hit-and-run moments when a casual comment from a friend or foe feels like an arrow to the heart. We try to compose ourselves mentally and emotionally as we peel our inner selves off the pavement. What just happened? Our cognitive function realigns as stars circle our heads.

Then, someone dares to ask, "How are you doing?" We compose ourselves quickly with an utterance: "I'm fine, I'm good." Now, we're more offset because someone probed beneath the surface of our emotions, and the dam of our tears or anger threatens to break.

In these moments, we need to take a beat, pause, breathe, take a soul-level intake, and exhale.

Blaise Pascal, the 16th-century theologian, philosopher, and physicist, observed, "The heart has its reasons that the mind does not know." Life's most significant moments hold space where words fall short in our souls.

The Five Unhealthy Responses to Emotions

What do you do with those emotions when they emerge from deep places? I've noticed five unhealthy responses:

1. The Stuffer

Those living busy lives often acknowledge, "I don't have time for that," and stuff emotions back down. Leaders who stuff emotions believe they prioritize productivity, but they're compounding emotional debt that will eventually demand repayment—often with interest.

2. The Silencer

Suppose you're one who, when experiencing emotions within yourself or witnessing them in others, doesn't provide safety or space for them to be shared. In that case, you silence them since they're deemed inappropriate or unwelcome. Silencers create environments where team members hide authentic responses, leading to superficial engagement and diminished trust.

3. The Stoic

You're a stoic if you're resolved to show self-control and restraint, waiting for reason to reveal emotion rather than risking raw feelings. Stoics often pride themselves on rationality while missing the intuitive signals that emotions provide about what truly matters.

4. The Sarcastic

Then there's the sincere moment of emotion revealed, waved off by some backhanded humor diminishing the validity of the feeling expressed. Sarcasm veneers what's most tender. When emotions surface, leaders who resort to sarcasm teach their teams that vulnerability will be met with ridicule rather than respect.

5. The Cynic

Finally, the cynic, who at best says, "Get over it," or worse, twists the tenderness of those feelings, perhaps as a cover for their jaded memory. Cynics create cultures of disillusionment where idealism and passion are systematically extinguished.

Whether a stuffer, silencer, stoic, sarcastic, or cynic, we've all had moments of each, deflecting feelings not welcome. These labels give language to tendencies where we can drift. What's the risk if our behavioral patterns interfere with how we think or treat ourselves or others? Our life becomes less than God intended: full-hearted, healed, healthy, vital.

The Leadership Cost of Emotional Avoidance

When leaders avoid emotional engagement, the costs compound across multiple dimensions:

Diminished Decision-Making

Research consistently shows that emotions are essential to sound judgment. Without emotional data, leaders make decisions disconnected from values and human impact. Antonio Damasio's work with patients who had damage to emotion-processing brain regions revealed they couldn't make even simple decisions despite intact logical reasoning.

Compromised Team Trust

Teams intuitively sense when a leader is emotionally disconnected. This creates an authenticity gap that erodes trust. As Patrick Lencioni notes in "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team," vulnerability-based trust is the foundation of effective teams.

Reduced Innovation

Creativity requires emotional engagement. When we suppress emotions, we restrict the neural pathways that connect disparate ideas. Leaders who maintain emotional walls inadvertently wall off breakthrough thinking.

Impaired Ethical Reasoning

Moral decision-making is fundamentally emotional. Empathy, compassion, and moral outrage are emotional responses that guide ethical leadership. Without these emotional anchors, ethical reasoning becomes merely technical compliance.

Personal Health Consequences

The physiological toll of emotional suppression is well-documented. From cardiovascular issues to immune system suppression, leaders who chronically avoid emotional processing pay a physical price.

The Full-Hearted Leadership Alternative

If you reflect on your life, you've experienced moments of being full-hearted, broken-hearted, half-hearted, tender-hearted, and hard-hearted. Life hits you for good or bad, easy or hard, extraordinary or ordinary, happy or sad; we get to process those unmet expectations.

Emotions are complex because you are complex. What's the invitation here? We can be wholehearted and healthy emotionally. It's the life you're invited to live. Jesus said, "I've come to give life and to the full" (John 10:10). Not through religion, rules, or holding onto regret, but through the good news of a life of love, peace, and grace—free from shame, guilt, and unforgiveness. It's found in relationships.

In the complex world where our inner thoughts and feelings integrate with the outside world of others, I propose a pathway to wholeheartedness. It's found in confession, connection, and courage.

Confession: Naming What Is Real

Wholehearted leaders practice emotional honesty, first with themselves and then with trusted others. This isn't emotional indulgence but emotional intelligence—the capacity to recognize, name, and understand our emotional responses.

Confession begins with self-awareness. What am I feeling right now? Where do I feel it in my body? What story am I telling myself about this situation? These questions invite us to move from emotional reactivity to emotional responsibility.

For teams, creating confession spaces means normalizing phrases like "I'm feeling frustrated by this situation" or "I'm concerned about the direction we're taking." When leaders model emotional naming without emotional flooding, they create psychological safety for others to do the same.

Connection: Finding Community in Vulnerability

Emotion derives from the Latin emovere—to move out. Emotions connect us to others, not isolate us in individual experiences. Wholehearted leaders create connection points where appropriate vulnerability builds rather than diminishes trust.

This doesn't mean sharing every feeling with every person. Discernment matters. But it does mean rejecting the false dichotomy between professional distance and authentic presence. The most effective leaders maintain appropriate boundaries while allowing genuine connection.

Connection happens when we recognize that our emotions—even difficult ones like fear, disappointment, or uncertainty—are universal human experiences. Acknowledging these with trusted team members or mentors transforms potential isolation into community.

Courage: The Choice to Feel Fully

Emotional vitality ultimately requires courage—the willingness to feel what is present rather than comfortable. This courage manifests in several ways:

• The courage to sit with discomfort rather than rush to solutions

• The courage to question our emotional habits and patterns

• The courage to invite feedback about our emotional impact on others

• The courage to celebrate joyfully without minimizing its significance

• The courage to grieve losses completely without artificial timelines

Courage in leadership means rejecting the false separation between "emotional" and "rational" dimensions of experience. The most courageous leaders recognize that these dimensions inform each other, creating wisdom neither could produce alone.

The Weeping Leader: Strength in Vulnerability

When I weep, it's not often enough. However, I found myself visiting my Dad's memorial site. He passed nearly 5 years ago. I can't believe it's already been that long. Sitting in the sun Friday afternoon, wondering how I even found my way to this sacred space, I finally uttered, "I miss you, Dad," and the dam broke. I wept.

In that moment of authentic grief, I connected more deeply with my father's legacy than in all the months of "staying strong" that preceded it. Those tears weren't weakness—they were the most honest expression of love's enduring power.

As leaders, our tears—whether shed or acknowledged—create space for authentic connection. They remind us and those we lead that our shared humanity lies beneath our roles and responsibilities. A leader who can weep when appropriate demonstrates vulnerability not as a weakness but as the ultimate expression of security and strength.

The invitation to emotional vitality challenges us to integrate, not segregate, our emotional lives from our leadership capacity. When we accept this invitation, we discover that our effectiveness increases rather than diminishes. We make better decisions because they're informed by both heart and mind. We build stronger teams because authentic leadership cultivates authentic followership. We sustain our leadership journey by drawing from an integrated, renewable inner resource rather than compartmentalizing and depleting ourselves.

The next time emotion rises unexpectedly in your leadership journey, consider it not an interruption but an invitation to greater wholeness, more profound wisdom, and more authentic impact. Those who sow in tears shall indeed reap with shouts of joy, not despite their tears but because of them.

Chapter 5 - Grace and Grit - Being Present

Grit & Grace - Threshold Between Self-Care & Self-Leadership

Leaders bring order out of chaos. This fundamental truth persists whether facing organizational upheaval, market disruption, or global uncertainty. Yet amidst these external storms, the most critical battleground remains within. No matter the external challenges leaders face, we must first settle the internal storms of our thoughts, emotions, and spirit to engage effectively with the world around us.

The tension between our inner and outer worlds creates a delicate balance. Where do we vest our time and energy? How do we reconcile the deep, often immeasurable demands of SoulWork with the quantifiable demands knocking insistently at our door? What's at stake in finding the right balance between grit and grace in today's activities?

In a word, presence.

As we begin this chapter, consider your ability to stay present—with a healthy perspective, your priorities, and the people in your life and work. Successful SoulWork and self-care translate to being present with your inner life so you can engage more fully with what matters most around you rather than being distracted, dismissive, or discouraging. An unreconciled inner life leaves you leading with a heavy burden, limiting your capacity for engagement, encouragement, and execution. You might wake each day with a sense of dread, struggling to muster the energy to grind through what lies before you.

By contrast, SoulWork and self-care will allow you to be present with your well-being—to assess how you're genuinely doing—thus expanding your capacity to engage with the world around you fully. The balance of grit and grace is central to leading your inner life well. It's bringing order out of chaos within. It's leading yourself well so you can focus on being on a mission, living your values, and ultimately leaving your legacy today and in the future.

The Chaos Within

We must recognize and address the chaos within ourselves before we can bring order to external chaos. This internal disorder manifests in various ways: racing thoughts that refuse to quiet, emotions that surge unexpectedly, or spiritual emptiness that leaves us feeling disconnected from our purpose.

Many leaders excel at troubleshooting organizational problems yet struggle to apply the same analytical skills to their inner landscape. We often avoid this inner work because it's challenging, messy, and difficult to measure. Unlike quarterly targets or project milestones, progress in our inner life doesn't appear on spreadsheets or dashboards.

Yet this avoidance comes at a tremendous cost. When we ignore the chaos within, it inevitably affects our external performance. We become reactive rather than responsive. We make decisions from a place of depletion rather than discernment. We lead from our wounds rather than our wisdom.

John, an emerging leader working in a new role as a manager, exemplifies this struggle. With his strong work ethic and desire for excellence, he set high standards for himself and his team. But as deadlines loomed and pressure mounted, his relentless pursuit of perfection took a toll on his mental and emotional well-being. Caught between ambition and fear of failure, John struggled to balance persevering through difficulties and showing himself the kindness he readily gave others.

Like John, many of us find ourselves trapped in this tension—knowing we need both strength to persevere and compassion to sustain ourselves, yet uncertain how to balance these apparent opposites.

Defining Grit and Grace

To navigate this tension effectively, we must first understand what we mean by grit and grace and how they interact as complementary rather than contradictory forces.

Grit is the tenacity to push through adversity—the resilience, determination, and perseverance that enables us to continue despite obstacles. As Angela Duckworth articulates in her book "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance," talent alone is insufficient for success. What matters most is the combination of passion and perseverance—the capacity to remain committed to long-term goals and to bounce back from setbacks.

Grit manifests as the strength to say "yes" to complex tasks when everything in us wants to quit. It's the internal fortitude that gets us out of bed on challenging days, the discipline that keeps us focused when distractions abound, and the courage to face painful truths about ourselves and our organizations.

Grace, by contrast, is the ability to extend kindness and understanding to ourselves when things don't go as planned. It's the self-compassion that Brené Brown explores in "The Gifts of Imperfection," where she emphasizes embracing our imperfections and vulnerabilities as pathways to a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Grace appears as the wisdom to say "no" when we're overextended, the humility to acknowledge our limitations, and the gentleness to permit ourselves rest and recovery. It's the counterbalance to grit's driving force—not its nemesis, but its necessary partner.

The interplay between determination and self-compassion creates the resilience essential for sustained leadership and well-being. Without this balance, we risk either burning out from relentless pushing or underperforming from excessive leniency.

The Consequences of Imbalance

Understanding the consequences of imbalance is crucial. When we fail to balance grit and grace, we risk experiencing predictable consequences that affect our inner well-being and our effectiveness. It's a cautionary tale that underscores the importance of balance in avoiding burnout, strained relationships, rigidity, and underperformance.

Too Much Grit, Not Enough Grace:

Burnout becomes inevitable when we push ourselves relentlessly without allowing for rest or self-compassion. Our bodies and minds have limits that, when consistently ignored, lead to physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. Leaders who pride themselves on "powering through" often discover too late that power has limits.

Excessive grit also strains relationships. Leaders prioritizing determination over compassion may be aggressive or insensitive, damaging connections with team members and stakeholders. The very people we need to accomplish our mission begin to withdraw their trust and engagement.

Rigidity emerges as another consequence of imbalance. A lack of grace results in inflexibility, making it difficult to adapt to changing circumstances or collaborate effectively. We become so fixated on our vision of how things "should" be that we miss creative alternatives and collaborative opportunities.

Too Much Grace, Not Enough Grit:

Underperformance results when we overemphasize grace at the expense of grit. Without the discipline to face challenges and push through difficulties, we may avoid necessary confrontations or fail to take decisive action when required. Our compassion becomes an excuse for comfort rather than a foundation for courage.

Permissiveness occurs when leaders lack the discipline to hold themselves and others accountable. Standards erode, mediocrity becomes acceptable, and the organizational culture shifts toward what's easy rather than excellent.

Resentment builds among colleagues and team members when they perceive that standards aren't being upheld or that accountability is lacking. Trust and morale deteriorate as high performers question why they should continue giving their best when others aren't held to the exact expectations.

These consequences underscore why balance is essential. We need grit and grace—not as occasional responses to specific situations but as integrated aspects of our leadership approach.

The Present Moment: Where Grit and Grace Converge

The key to balancing grit and grace lies in cultivating presence—the ability to be fully aware and engaged in the current moment, neither escaping past regrets nor projecting into future anxieties. Presence allows us to assess what's needed now accurately: Is this a moment that calls for pushing through or requires stepping back? Does this situation demand more discipline or more compassion?

Presence brings clarity to chaos. When fully present, we can distinguish between productive discomfort (the kind that leads to growth) and destructive strain (the kind that leads to breakdown). We can tell when our resistance stems from fear versus when it signals a genuine need for rest. We can discern when our team needs challenges versus when they need encouragement.

This presence doesn't happen automatically. It requires intention and practice—what we might call the SoulWork of leadership. Without this inner work, we default to habitual responses rather than thoughtful choices. We react based on past programming rather than responding to present needs.

Consider how presence transforms our relationship with both grit and grace:

When we're present, grit becomes not just blind persistence but strategic tenacity. We push through difficulties not just because we refuse to quit but because we've assessed that continuing serves our deeper purpose and values. We choose our battles wisely rather than fighting everyone that presents itself.

Similarly, when we're present, grace becomes passive acceptance and active self-care. We extend compassion to ourselves not as an excuse to avoid difficulty but as a recognition of our humanity and need for renewal. We rest not out of laziness but out of wisdom about our limits and rhythms.

Presence thus becomes the threshold where self-care and self-leadership meet—where we care for ourselves precisely so we can lead effectively and where we lead ourselves intentionally to sustain our capacity to care.

The Integration: Being Present to What Matters Most

The ultimate goal of balancing grit and grace isn't just personal well-being—though that's undoubtedly important. The deeper purpose is to expand our capacity to be present to what matters most: our mission, values, and legacy.

When caught in the cycle of either pushing too hard or giving up too quickly, we lose connection with our more profound purpose. We become so focused on surviving today that we lose sight of the impact we hope to have tomorrow. We get trapped in reacting to urgency rather than responding to importance.

The integration of grit and grace creates space for presence—to ourselves, to others, and to our highest aspirations. This presence doesn't eliminate difficulty or challenge; rather, it gives us the clarity to navigate challenges with wisdom rather than willpower.

It's tough to strike the balance between "Getting it Done" and "Give Me a Break." There's a time to lean in and a time to give it a rest. If we don't maintain balance, there's a cost on both sides. By embracing the intentional equilibrium of grit and grace, we cultivate resilience, foster growth, and navigate life's challenges with greater ease and compassion.

Remember, it's not about achieving perfection but embracing the humility of our imperfections, leaning into the task for today, and aspiring to give our best, one step at a time. This is the essence of self-leadership that sustains rather than depletes—leadership that brings order to the chaos within so we can more effectively address the chaos without.

Ultimately, the threshold between self-care and self-leadership isn't a line to cross once but a space to inhabit daily—a dynamic balance that requires constant attention and adjustment. In this space of integration, we find not just effectiveness but wholeness, not just achievement but fulfillment, not just success but significance.

The Dance of Grit and Grace

Ultimately, the threshold between self-care and self-leadership isn't a line to cross once but a space to inhabit daily—a dynamic balance that requires constant attention and adjustment. In this dance between pushing forward and pausing for renewal, we discover our capacity for impact.

The integration of grit and grace isn't about perfection but presence. When we balance determination with compassion, we create the conditions for being fully present—to ourselves, to others, and to the work that matters most. This presence becomes the foundation for authentic leadership that sustains rather than depletes, inspires rather than intimidates, and endures rather than exhausts.

Remember that this balance isn't achieved once and for all but recalibrated daily. Each morning offers a new opportunity to choose presence over distraction, intentionality over-reactivity, and the integrated wisdom of grit and grace. In this space of integration, we find not just effectiveness but wholeness, not just achievement but fulfillment, not just success but significance.

As you continue your journey of balancing grit and grace, consider these questions for reflection:

1. Where in your life or leadership do you need more grit—the courage to persevere despite difficulty? Conversely, where do you need more grace—the wisdom to extend compassion to yourself amid struggle?

2. Think about a recent situation where you felt most fully present and engaged. What balance of grit and grace made that presence possible? How might you recreate those conditions more consistently?

3. If you were to become 10% more intentional about balancing determination and self-compassion tomorrow, what one small practice would you begin or strengthen?