The Tyranny of the Urgent: Caleb's Story
"I don't ever think about me."
These six words, spoken softly in a moment of rare reflection, captured the essence of Caleb's leadership crisis. Fifteen years into his career and a decade into leadership, Caleb found himself trapped in what can only be described as the tyranny of the urgent—perpetually bracing for the next challenge, the next call, the next crisis demanding his immediate attention. In this moment of reflection, Caleb's journey toward proactive self-leadership began, highlighting the power of self-awareness and self-reflection in our leadership journey.
Caleb's journey began as a dishwasher at a local restaurant. A high school dropout with natural talent and a formidable work ethic, he climbed through the ranks, eventually earning the trust of the restaurant owner, who handed him the keys to manage a bar at just 21 years old. He thrived in this environment for ten years, building relationships and developing his leadership skills through hands-on experience rather than formal education.
When his first son was born, Caleb's priorities shifted. The lack of health insurance and benefits pushed him to seek more stable employment. He joined a family-owned fire prevention systems business with about 250 employees, again working his way up through dedication and performance. After being passed over once for a leadership position—the role going to someone with formal credentials—Caleb eventually secured a management position three years ago.
On paper, Caleb's career trajectory is a success story. Yet, sitting in a leadership development session, his exhaustion was palpable. The constant pressure to perform, meet expectations, and be available at all hours had gradually eroded his energy and joy. His phone never shut off. His mind never fully rested. Even in moments of physical stillness—sitting on the couch after everyone had gone to bed—his presence was merely an absence, a numbness born of complete depletion.
"I'm just numb," he confessed. "I'm just sitting there staring at the TV or my phone. And I'm blank."
Like many leaders caught in reactivity, Caleb was in a chronic fatigue crisis that threatened his career and his joy and effectiveness as a leader. What began as dedication had transformed into a debilitating reaction pattern without reflection, a response without renewal.
Caleb is not alone, I know this feeling all too well. In my early years as an entrepreneur, running from crisis to crisis. My success hung precariously variables I couldn't control. Looking back, I recognize now that I was living entirely in reaction mode—responding to emergencies rather than creating systems that would prevent them. Does this pattern sound familiar in your leadership journey? On the continuum of leadership behavior, most leaders spend most of their time and energy on the left side—the reactive side—of self-management, compared to the right side of proactivity in self-leadership. They become expert firefighters, managing crises with increasing skill but never finding the time to install prevention systems found proactive self-leadership.
The Reactive-Proactive Continuum
When examining leadership behaviors, we can place them on a continuum from reactive to proactive. At the far left of this spectrum is pure reactivity: responding to emergencies, addressing immediate needs, and focusing entirely on the present moment's demands. At the far right is pure proactivity: strategic thinking, preventative planning, and focus on long-term vision and values.
Most leaders, like Caleb, are heavily weighted toward the reactive end of this spectrum. There are several reasons for this imbalance:
Urgency Addiction: The adrenaline rush of solving immediate problems can become addictive. The instant gratification of checking off urgent tasks creates a neurochemical reward that can be difficult to resist.
Cultural Expectations: Many organizational cultures reward heroic crisis management more visibly than quiet prevention. The leader who works all night to fix a broken system receives praise, while the leader who ensures systems don't break in the first place may go unnoticed.
Confidence Through Competence: Leaders often build confidence by repeatedly demonstrating competence in familiar challenges. The reactive domain becomes comfortable—a place where they know they can succeed—while proactive leadership may feel uncertain and risky.
The Illusion of Indispensability: Many leaders, particularly those like Caleb, who have risen through the ranks through sheer determination, develop an unconscious belief that their constant availability is essential to organizational success.
Caleb exemplified each of these reactive tendencies. His phone remained perpetually on, his mind continuously problem-solving scenarios that hadn't yet emerged. His confidence came from his ability to handle crises. Yet, this very competence had trapped him in a cycle of reactivity, slowly diminishing his effectiveness and draining his energy.
The Cost of Chronic Reactivity
Chronic reactivity extracts significant costs from leaders and their organizations. For Caleb, these costs manifested in several ways:
Physical and Mental Exhaustion: Caleb's constant alertness left him perpetually tired. Even during supposed downtime, his mind remained "on," anticipating potential problems and planning responses.
Diminished Joy: Caleb could barely recall the last time he had engaged in an activity purely for enjoyment. His truck restoration project sat neglected in the garage—a symbol of the personal interests he had sacrificed to the demands of constant availability.
Relational Strain: While Caleb loved his family, his perpetual mental absence created distance even when physically present. His preoccupation affected the quality of his relationships.
Reduced Strategic Thinking: Perhaps most significant for his leadership effectiveness, Caleb's reactive orientation limited his capacity for the kind of reflective, strategic thinking that creates breakthrough opportunities and prevents emerging problems.
Erosion of Confidence: Paradoxically, while Caleb's reactivity stemmed partly from a desire to perform well and meet expectations, the resulting exhaustion undermined his confidence. In his words: "I stress about things that haven't been created yet... even though it hasn't happened, it probably won't happen."
These costs compound over time, creating a downward spiral where reactivity leads to exhaustion, exhaustion leads to reduced effectiveness, and reduced effectiveness triggers increased reactivity as the leader attempts to compensate.
Have you noticed similar patterns in your own leadership? When did you feel truly present and energized last time rather than simply responding to the next demand? For many leaders I coach, this downward spiral of reactivity becomes so normalized that they no longer question whether there might be another way to lead and live.
The Discovery Process: Finding the Path to Self-Leadership
Caleb's journey toward self-leadership began with a simple recognition—the acknowledgment that something needed to change. During a leadership development session focusing on personal values and priorities, he confronted the reality that he had neglected his needs to the point of numbness. This realization sparked a journey of transformation, showing that change is possible and within reach for all of us.
The path from this recognition to actual transformation involved several key discoveries:
Discovery 1: The Power of Permission
His breakthrough came when he gave himself permission to have needs. Years of conditioning—from his father's stoic "lace up, get over it" mentality to the workplace expectation of constant availability—had taught Caleb to ignore his own requirements for rest, reflection, and renewal.
"I'd feel the pressure off," he admitted when asked how it would feel to give himself permission to disconnect periodically. This simple acknowledgment—that it was legitimate for him to have needs and boundaries—opened the door to further growth.
Discovery 2: Small Changes Yield Big Results
When asked what one change would make a meaningful difference, Caleb's answer was revealing: turning off his phone from 8 p.m. to 5 a.m., three days a week. This modest boundary—creating roughly 27 hours of guaranteed disconnection each week—represented a profound shift in his relationship with work and responsibility.
The power of this small change lay not just in the hours of mental rest it would provide, but in the psychological shift, it represented. By establishing this boundary, Caleb would assert that his value as a leader came not from constant availability but from the quality of his presence and decisions when engaged.
Discovery 3: The Delegation of Trust
To implement even this modest boundary, Caleb needed to delegate tasks and trust. His concern wasn't primarily about the frequency of after-hours calls but about the possibility of missed calls—the chance that something might go wrong in his absence.
This revelation pointed to a deeper issue: Caleb's difficulty trusting others to handle situations in his absence. True self-leadership, he realized, would require developing systems and people who could function effectively without his constant oversight—a shift that would ultimately benefit both him and the organization.
Discovery 4: The Connection Between Self-Care and Leadership Impact
Perhaps Caleb's most profound discovery was understanding that self-care isn't selfish but strategic. His wife's weekly volleyball game offered a powerful example: "The household seems happier when she does it," he observed, recognizing that her investment in personal renewal yielded benefits for the entire family.
This insight translated directly to his leadership context. By investing in his own renewal, Caleb could bring more energy, creativity, and presence to his interactions with his team. Far from being selfish, properly directed self-care was his responsibility to those who depended on his leadership.
I learned this lesson the hard way in my entrepreneurial journey. For years, I operated under the misguided belief that working longer hours and taking on more responsibility demonstrated my commitment to success. I rarely took vacations, worked through weekends, and prided myself on being available to clients at all hours. Eventually, this approach led to a severe case of burnout that affected my health and the quality of my business decisions. What aspects of self-care have you been neglecting under the guise of dedication to your work? What signals might your body and mind be sending that deserve your attention?
Discovery 5: Confidence Through Clarity
A pattern emerged as Caleb reflected on moments of high confidence in his leadership journey. His confidence had risen not primarily through mastering crises but through gaining clarity about expectations, his capabilities, and the path forward.
This insight revealed the connection between proactive leadership and confidence. By creating space for reflection and clarity, Caleb could lead from a place of considered intention rather than reactive impulse, building genuine confidence through clarity rather than mere crisis competence.
The Practice of Proactive Self-Leadership
Moving from reactive self-management to proactive self-leadership requires deliberate practice. For Caleb, this practice began with three specific commitments:
Scheduled Disconnection: Turning off his phone during specific periods each week, with a clear delegation of responsibility during those times.
Dedicated Reflection Time: Blocking 30 minutes three times weekly during work hours for strategic thinking and planning rather than reactive problem-solving.
Renewal Activity: Committing four hours weekly to his truck restoration project—an activity that brought him genuine joy and engaged his mind in a different mode.
These three practices represented the initial steps on a longer journey toward proactive self-leadership. The key to their effectiveness lay not in their scope but in their intentionality—they were chosen to address Caleb's particular needs and circumstances.
During my transition from reactive to proactive leadership, I discovered the power of "whitespace"—protected time on my calendar with no agenda beyond thinking, reflecting, and learning. This practice directly contradicted my former entrepreneurial identity of constant action and visible productivity. Yet I found that these periods of apparent inactivity yielded my most creative ideas and strategic insights. What might constitute a meaningful "whitespace" in your leadership rhythm? What small practice might create disproportionate benefits for your leadership effectiveness?
From Individual Practice to Leadership Culture
As Caleb implemented these initial practices, he noticed subtle shifts in his energy and effectiveness and his team's behavior. His increased clarity and presence enhanced the quality of his interactions. His willingness to disconnect periodically encouraged similar boundary-setting among team members. His delegation of trust during off-hours created growth opportunities for emerging leaders.
Without explicitly intending it, Caleb had begun to shift his team's culture from reactive firefighting to more proactive planning and development. This illustrates an important principle of reflective leadership: personal transformation creates ripples of organizational transformation.
Actual organizational change rarely begins with sweeping initiatives or restructuring. More often, it starts with individual leaders who model a different way of being and working and demonstrate through their own practice the benefits of moving from a reactive to a proactive orientation.
One of the most transformative moments in my journey came when my coach challenged me with a simple yet profound exercise: for every "Yes" I uttered, I had to articulate ten "Nos." This discipline forced me to confront my tendencies as a "BlueSky thinker" who is always chasing the next opportunity. By learning to say "No" to good things to make room for great things, I gradually shifted from reactive to proactive leadership. How might your leadership change if you become more intentional about what you say "No" to?
The Continuum of Leadership Development
Caleb's story illustrates a crucial understanding of leadership development: it functions as a continuum rather than a binary state. The goal is not to eliminate reactivity—indeed, skilled reaction to genuine emergencies remains an essential leadership capacity. Instead, the aim is to shift the balance progressively toward proactivity.
A pivotal moment in my leadership journey came when I pursued a master's degree in leadership. When I approached Dr. Steve Young, the dean of the school, I expected a polished recruitment speech. Instead, he surprised me with a profound observation: "Russell, you're already a leader." If I had already led successfully, why invest in formal education? Dr. Young provided clarity that would transform my perspective: "Russell, if you want to grow in cognitive competence in how you're gifted so you can be more effective in your leadership, then we can help you."
This insight revealed that leadership development isn't just about performing leadership acts but also about developing mental models that allow us to interpret complex situations and make better decisions. It's about moving from reactive leadership—constantly putting out fires—to proactive leadership that prevents fires from starting in the first place.
For most leaders, this shift happens gradually, with momentary regressions during periods of high pressure or uncertainty. The key is maintaining awareness of the reactive-proactive continuum and consistently recommitting to practices that foster proactive orientation. Where do you find yourself on this continuum today? What reactivity patterns have become so normal that you no longer recognize them as choices rather than necessities?
Leadership development in this context becomes less about acquiring new skills and more about cultivating a new relationship with time, energy, and attention. It involves learning to distinguish between the genuinely urgent and the merely immediate, between a reaction that addresses true emergencies and a reaction that perpetuates a cycle of exhaustion.
The journey from reactive self-management to proactive self-leadership is not accomplished in a single bound. It unfolds through countless small choices, each reinforcing a different relationship with leadership responsibility. Like Caleb, you may find that the path begins not with grand transformation but with simple permission—permission to lead from your competence and your wholeness.
For me, this journey continues to unfold. Even after 25 years in leadership, I still catch myself slipping into reactive patterns during periods of high stress or uncertainty. The difference now is that I recognize these patterns more quickly and have developed practices that help me return to proactive self-leadership. Through Caleb's story and the practices shared in this chapter, you, too, will find your path from the tyranny of the urgent to the freedom of intentional, proactive leadership.
Reflective Questions
As you consider your leadership journey along the reactive-proactive continuum, take time to reflect on these questions:
Where do you find yourself on the reactive-proactive continuum of leadership? What indicators (behaviors, feelings, outcomes) tell you where you currently stand?
What "small change" might yield disproportionate results in shifting your leadership toward greater proactivity? What barriers—internal or external—prevent you from implementing this change?
How might your current reactivity pattern influence your team's culture and behaviors? What would change for them if you shifted toward more proactive self-leadership?